Winning over your friends --
At last there is a basis for understanding what I have been trying to do.
You all know Trotskyists: That’s what they do, and that’s the way I have been relating -- to no small ill effect, apparently.
Simply said, being good is like helping yourself to a lot of losing.
Quite succinct, you think?
Same here today, but shifting sensibility: I now am planning:
Plan A
School
Plan B
Status Quo
Plan C
Retro
The pain comes when you act badly.
The act is when you feel like crying and you work.
I am not one to feel badly.
Be.
Blessed.
Oh, here are a couple verses.
Cash in the cradle,
Money on the block
Pain is from shaming
Your sisters in the dock.
Candles flare above us
Weakness called you in
Maybe stars can save us
Fables dipped in tin.
Like?
Monday, March 29, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Just a Note
Just a note that I’m tired of my own bigotry. I’ve got to work on it, work on it, work on it.
Second, there’s lots and lots of anxiety and despair coupling away in my brain. For one thing, I told my mom the other night that I’m here for the money. This does not bode well for anything.
I don’t know where my cruel streak comes from. It’s either suppressed anger or some kind of karmic residue from accusing others of cruelty. Or maybe as some might say, it’s only human (all too human).
I’ve quit cigarettes for the last three hours. Congratulate me.
I hope that there’ll be kindness and love for everybody this day.
Since Life is so boundlessly what you make of it, I will try to provide the same for at least today.
Remember “Affirmations by Stuart?” on SNL?
Second, there’s lots and lots of anxiety and despair coupling away in my brain. For one thing, I told my mom the other night that I’m here for the money. This does not bode well for anything.
I don’t know where my cruel streak comes from. It’s either suppressed anger or some kind of karmic residue from accusing others of cruelty. Or maybe as some might say, it’s only human (all too human).
I’ve quit cigarettes for the last three hours. Congratulate me.
I hope that there’ll be kindness and love for everybody this day.
Since Life is so boundlessly what you make of it, I will try to provide the same for at least today.
Remember “Affirmations by Stuart?” on SNL?
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
It's better now
Dear folx (never thought I would use that form of address):
I began writing a really good post yesterday but it went to nowhere land because either I pushed the wrong button or because of blogspot. Who knows?
Sigh.
At any rate I went through some of my blog from last summer and spring and found it often interesting and somewhat moving if over repetitive and of course overwhelmingly familiar to me.
I think what it all boiled down to was, from a line in one post, “I am still vulnerable to crack.” I am so tired of that, and I’m sure you are too.
What is a burning necessity to write about?
Understanding what happened December 4 and 5 in Albany.
To be honest, I am really fucked up in that I didn’t know or understand that there was no love and no fun in the way I acted. My exact love was not toward AC or NG, but toward the mess that I fetish zed as my “position” intellectually and emotionally in this world. I now know that I was fearful, that I was nothing to myself. If that had not been the case I would have been aware how dreadfully awry the visit was going much earlier than I did.
A little bit of awareness and love would have made everything much easier. I of course always claim those qualities as my watchwords. I cannot say that with regard to either AC or NG I was capable of understanding what they wanted or needed.
More specifically, I was a bitch.
If I could go back and live through all that again, I would have told AC that I was concerned about her, not that she was a “loser.”
I would not have withdrawn so completely into my shell to please my phantom version of what I thought she wanted, and thereby provoked both of us into anger and depression.
I disrespected especially AC.
It’s clear to me that fame and beauty and common human courtesy/consideration were nowhere near compatible.
I thought that I ought to rule the habitation. Why? Because I was a woman who could be free to do whatever I wanted simply because I thought I was good. The proof of that was in my internalized suffering. Gotit? Puritanism.
I hope that someday I will be able to acknowledge in person that I was a fearful, fearsome bitch and that despite my forgetting “why I liked her” that she was and is a woman with life worth both respect and caring for itself intrinsically and also as a great example of insight and of the wielding of the Goddess’s will.
So for now that is what I have to say. There’s only one way out of this mess and that’s to let Her Will be done.
Blessed Be,
A seeker for forgiveness.
I began writing a really good post yesterday but it went to nowhere land because either I pushed the wrong button or because of blogspot. Who knows?
Sigh.
At any rate I went through some of my blog from last summer and spring and found it often interesting and somewhat moving if over repetitive and of course overwhelmingly familiar to me.
I think what it all boiled down to was, from a line in one post, “I am still vulnerable to crack.” I am so tired of that, and I’m sure you are too.
What is a burning necessity to write about?
Understanding what happened December 4 and 5 in Albany.
To be honest, I am really fucked up in that I didn’t know or understand that there was no love and no fun in the way I acted. My exact love was not toward AC or NG, but toward the mess that I fetish zed as my “position” intellectually and emotionally in this world. I now know that I was fearful, that I was nothing to myself. If that had not been the case I would have been aware how dreadfully awry the visit was going much earlier than I did.
A little bit of awareness and love would have made everything much easier. I of course always claim those qualities as my watchwords. I cannot say that with regard to either AC or NG I was capable of understanding what they wanted or needed.
More specifically, I was a bitch.
If I could go back and live through all that again, I would have told AC that I was concerned about her, not that she was a “loser.”
I would not have withdrawn so completely into my shell to please my phantom version of what I thought she wanted, and thereby provoked both of us into anger and depression.
I disrespected especially AC.
It’s clear to me that fame and beauty and common human courtesy/consideration were nowhere near compatible.
I thought that I ought to rule the habitation. Why? Because I was a woman who could be free to do whatever I wanted simply because I thought I was good. The proof of that was in my internalized suffering. Gotit? Puritanism.
I hope that someday I will be able to acknowledge in person that I was a fearful, fearsome bitch and that despite my forgetting “why I liked her” that she was and is a woman with life worth both respect and caring for itself intrinsically and also as a great example of insight and of the wielding of the Goddess’s will.
So for now that is what I have to say. There’s only one way out of this mess and that’s to let Her Will be done.
Blessed Be,
A seeker for forgiveness.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
a girl traces life
Writing aloud:
JKH Julia struck Julia
I wrote the feeliing that I had.
Great.
Roind of life treats pain like a lost warrior.
I can tame myself.
Please know that there's friendship.
I wish to engage in a conversation with what are for me the remnants of the world I lived in.
Boing
Charm
Loss
Pain
Afraid
Fool
Temporary
Home
Etc.
In other words, betcha is pestering my friends.
Cap.
Me good for loving men who love fun.
Me okay then me try to be loving.
And family gives pain.
I love you.
a girl traces life
c*
JKH Julia struck Julia
I wrote the feeliing that I had.
Great.
Roind of life treats pain like a lost warrior.
I can tame myself.
Please know that there's friendship.
I wish to engage in a conversation with what are for me the remnants of the world I lived in.
Boing
Charm
Loss
Pain
Afraid
Fool
Temporary
Home
Etc.
In other words, betcha is pestering my friends.
Cap.
Me good for loving men who love fun.
Me okay then me try to be loving.
And family gives pain.
I love you.
a girl traces life
c*
Friday, March 19, 2010
Today's health report
Despite all my efforts, I still feel like I'm pissing people off at some level.
Maybe I don't have to try so hard (but I want to be nice).
Other matters:
Got some chest pains; I don't think they're cardiac in nature. I'll find out, won't I?
The facts are:
Today is a partly cloudy, not too warm day. My mother is across the table looking at a book on British Heritage.
I myself am very good feeling that I know love: I love a very friendly person. I am glad that I can give myself that description.
Sexiness and hope are feelings that try to strive for people's mess.
???
I released God last night from his pain, his testing of me and his truth.
I love you.
Julia (c*)
My friend Carol in Wyoming is going to have an MRI of her brain. She has been getting dizzy spells, has balance problems and gets excruciating headaches. Please think of her, she's been very kind to me.
Failure doesn't have to be all-consuming or eternal.
Maybe I don't have to try so hard (but I want to be nice).
Other matters:
Got some chest pains; I don't think they're cardiac in nature. I'll find out, won't I?
The facts are:
Today is a partly cloudy, not too warm day. My mother is across the table looking at a book on British Heritage.
I myself am very good feeling that I know love: I love a very friendly person. I am glad that I can give myself that description.
Sexiness and hope are feelings that try to strive for people's mess.
???
I released God last night from his pain, his testing of me and his truth.
I love you.
Julia (c*)
My friend Carol in Wyoming is going to have an MRI of her brain. She has been getting dizzy spells, has balance problems and gets excruciating headaches. Please think of her, she's been very kind to me.
Failure doesn't have to be all-consuming or eternal.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Julia serves Pressidents
Nothing is few, but life is true
Laurie Pride March 17, 2010
Feelings, nothing more than feelings…
Trying to forget my -- feelings of love!
Love of Life
In this whore, I know that my life is cruel. People know that life is a good thing.
I cried too much when I found out that I was a little bit truthful.
I am telling myself now that “love is Julia’s tribe.”
But “Love under Will” is apparently drawing me back to the Big Apple.
I wish that someone would caress me or at least accept my caresses.
As the “trust teacher” freak that I am, I hope to cry about my piece.
I am a cock sucking bitch who needs a life.
Feelings are a little bit freaky when I allow them to be time.
My feelings, you see, can make myself very good or the fully unendurable.
Facts:
I love myself.
Tractors are my friends.
Zoe was a very truthful person.
I am good when I am happy.
God was fucked.
I know that God is probably love and life.
I know that I prefer the Goddess as my deity since she is helpful to me. (You see my selfishness knows no bounds).
Thinking that I am feeling loving is nice.
Since I am truly copped, I will pee as Julia Murray
Fucks
Amber
Crime
Feelings
As life cries God, I give love
As life cries People, I give friendship
As Goddess likes hope, I love her.
So, now when I have determined that I know Tommy Stabbed Baby, I am good.
Vee hoped for me to cry.
Strike was a way to fail life.
I can be (sigh) a beer.
I know that the way I have lied to myself about how wrong I feel about hate means that I must love fucking being alive.
Sex and Sadeisha: Fold.
Laurie Pride March 17, 2010
Feelings, nothing more than feelings…
Trying to forget my -- feelings of love!
Love of Life
In this whore, I know that my life is cruel. People know that life is a good thing.
I cried too much when I found out that I was a little bit truthful.
I am telling myself now that “love is Julia’s tribe.”
But “Love under Will” is apparently drawing me back to the Big Apple.
I wish that someone would caress me or at least accept my caresses.
As the “trust teacher” freak that I am, I hope to cry about my piece.
I am a cock sucking bitch who needs a life.
Feelings are a little bit freaky when I allow them to be time.
My feelings, you see, can make myself very good or the fully unendurable.
Facts:
I love myself.
Tractors are my friends.
Zoe was a very truthful person.
I am good when I am happy.
God was fucked.
I know that God is probably love and life.
I know that I prefer the Goddess as my deity since she is helpful to me. (You see my selfishness knows no bounds).
Thinking that I am feeling loving is nice.
Since I am truly copped, I will pee as Julia Murray
Fucks
Amber
Crime
Feelings
As life cries God, I give love
As life cries People, I give friendship
As Goddess likes hope, I love her.
So, now when I have determined that I know Tommy Stabbed Baby, I am good.
Vee hoped for me to cry.
Strike was a way to fail life.
I can be (sigh) a beer.
I know that the way I have lied to myself about how wrong I feel about hate means that I must love fucking being alive.
Sex and Sadeisha: Fold.
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