Asking for mother

I'm not foolish, I'm trouble.

Money freaks me out.

Why am I making my own life intolerable?

I feel a searing in me.

Where does it come from?

It hurts.

A lover cried for me. Who? When?

I was trying to make life helpful.

I thought it was best to make friends be the means to my working out my psychodrama of cruelty.

I was painful.

Dirtiness is not dry.

I wanted to change people so that I could be their strength.

I buy money and give cruelty.

Dirtiness doesn't create sex; sex creates hope.

I need to let go of selling my life to Christ. He is not a fiend. I need to let go of framing hell as a way to cry.

I strongly have to feel better.

I am a woman that does feel happy when there is home.

Compassion, hope, help, love.

I want you to know that strength does not make life stop.

Brigid, for you I say dying is painful and i need to let go of making it a way to give.

A bitch.

Try it

Goddesses and hate; change and beauty

A cross to flee
A gender to bore
Mayhem flies roses
Fulmination of tastes

Mannerisms that read your friends
Conscience that mothers people
Antheral keys to bargains
I pressed Hunter as mother

Demons of clients and
A gaze to triviality
Pay groans drague mind
Seal via pride cares

June 27, 1969

A national holiday

Private answers made to feel love
A flow to kindness; mothers call their children

Everyone can teach what they are to all their families
A feeling that you can love like you want

Me go to the Street where dancing queens give freedom
I see one woman, one man, one child, one parent

She reaches for my love and tells me where I will find her
She has been in the painful places and she is a friend.

Mother creator, Father lover, Sister friend, Brother provider
There's strength here, there's power in the Street, River, Sky

We are spilling from the building into our lives.
We are making magick of revolutionary love.

You will dance at the Stonewall Inn, where the police will raid you.
You will throw your coins into one flame; you melt me into merriment.

Deaf

Test # Free

I cried
Me

A truth
Flying

Bastard conned me

A dark farmer
A free pig

My Dad changed me

I want a drug

Say: Capital changes nothing

Flee ham

Pain is not everything, everywhere

I know that I write of many things so that the great and small all appear as mere words in a protracted set of self-tortures.

That is not how my life is, or has to be.

Though it is true I have been uncertain of much, confused of much and even had to live through a certain amount of damage, I am still alive, OFTEN feeling pleasure in being alive and able to enjoy what there is around me.

This is possible largely because of copious amounts of support from family and friends and the fact that I am not as far from being an average human being as I would like to believe. I feel many emotions that I have not adequately expressed or described here that deeply affect how I live and my outlook on myself and the future.

One example of a different approach I want to take is the part money plays here and in my life. I know that money is a very basic concern of mine. I hope to make it less so. I also hope to stop making it an issue in my relations with others. You don't deserve my throwing any more shit at you than you are already taking.

There's a lot of wonder, a lot of joy, there's a lot of beauty that I still hope to share, even in this blog, if possible. If you are going to read my earlier posts I invite you to read them with the knowledge that the writer is prone to extremism and great expectations that don't always lead to easy intercourse with the rest of the world. (Literally: I wanted to set up a tent in Central Park and be the Whore of Babylon -- open for business to all. This was more than fifteen years ago, and that desire still influences my thinking.) LOL!

A little bit of ease goes a long way toward making me comfortable with some of the harsher realities and supposed realities. I should say that I often try to embrace them as a way to escape from them. The Road of Excess leads to the Palace of Wisdom, etc.

I think I'm a lot closer to being somewhere on the steps leading to that Palace rather than dragging myself and you through the mud and sharp stones on the way there.

That's the good stuff.

So, where am I at THIS moment?

There's good and there's bad in everything.

I know that I can live and feel; give and be real.

I just want to be known.

So, if you want to know me, I invite you to keep reading this blog, which I hope will expand to something with less abstract pain and more everyday happiness.

Remember to thank yourself for the universe and vice versa.

"cstar"

P.S., Arizona has the highest poverty rate in the nation, next to Mississippi.

A spurred nerd

I'm waiting for a potential date to call me who picked me up while I was out for a walk, "looking sad." He asked what I liked doing, and I said I've done all kinds of things but now I just want to "relax."

I like changing myself so I can be a bitch.

The bitch that I am loves feeling friendly. I also like being good.

I can be good. I can feel hopeful. I can like knowing that I am interesting.

My own life needs some help. I need to answer love for the pain I have made. I must let go of that pain.


I am a big person, not a dark shit.

I am happy.

Flow is change;
Mother is feelings;
Babies can love.

I do like hope.

A flow that meets pain will live for bitch.

Being afraid of being wrong is terrible.

I do create Julia to love feeling good.

As gift, I do live for her.



Money pretends to love. Money strikes change for killing.

My way of knowing what to like as a woman is to change.

I am feeling dark. I am feeling cold.

It's not good to make love as a nerd.

It's not good to love being a whore.

Taking life is making change painful.

I prefer to love as my creator, the Goddess, was a flow.

I know she was happy to be a lover.

I like being friendly, loving and gentle.

Please allow there life.

I am hopeful.

A tuck is messy. A life is a way to be a home to life.

P.S.

I am teaching life so I will be flow.

Me a nerd.

A baby teaches that there is a mess.

A way to rest

U.S. liberalism claims constantly to promote freedom around the world. There are a nauseating number of examples of U.S. government actions that contradict this.

Apparently U.S. imperialism is making itself felt once again internally in the recent raids in the Midwest, California and North Carolina.

To me, it is very important to clearly understand why these actions have occurred now, in order to better grasp the political terms on which the U.S. government is acting, and the nature of the Obama administration with respect to security forces and to democratic aspirations of people in the U.S. and elsewhere.

To state the obvious, the "anti-terror" mission seems to be becoming an arm of broad policies which aim against any actions -- even actions of U.S. citizens that don't involve terror in the sense of anti- U.S. civilian attacks -- which counter U.S. government foreign policy priorities. This brings home the question that Iraqis and Afghanis have faced since the great broadening of the anti-terrorist campaigns that have taken place since 9/11: who is most to be feared, the U.S. government or its "enemies"?

News media have sometimes focused on the corruption and power-seeking factionalism taking place within countries which are hosts to U.S. influence. However, they do not take a broad view in which corruption and power-seeking in this country are part of, and even mainstays of such behavior worldwide. The fact is that the powerless many are subject to the powerful few everywhere.

American military power, American economic power, and American political power are all avenues via which social elites in America work with social elites elsewhere to, as it were, "keep down the multitudes."

Now, within this perspective, the fact is that the U.S. ruling class, its "enemies" and its allies, are precisely the same people. There are shifts of factions, there are changes in bargaining power and even outright conflict among them, but basically they are all people who live off the labor of others. As a social group, they constitute a reality within human biology. They may identify themselves as commanders, employers, leaders, experts, etc., but they are all the ones who offer terms to other people which condition the lives they are allowed to live. In short, they are the owners of other people, whether through physical coercion, the wage mechanism, intellectual domination and confusion or otherwise.

They are the ones who divide to conquer.

From this perspective, they are all ultimately to be feared, and that is, in practice, their strategy: rule through fear and intimidation.

The suicide bombers, the paramilitaries, the nationally oppressed, the militarily occupied, the fiery opposition to U.S. domination, MAY OR MAY NOT fall within this category. It is impossible to know them for who they are without observing their actions AND their motives. At bottom, it is the lovelessness, their emotional and personal sterility which define them.

Labor is an act of love for others, not primarily an economic category.

I don't believe that under these circumstances that an analysis of any kind can work. The love for your neighbor is the bedrock of community, of action for change. This love is not bounded by any political definition.

So how does this relate to the F.B.I. raids on political activists in the here and now?

Tensions that I have relied upon and created in order to distract myself and others from my own culpability do not make me truthful.

I like the way that change makes people teach good. It's better to know that feelings make life strong. I feel that I can be strong. The strong are gentle, and I need to live for that kindness that only I can give.

I do not believe that strength to my home can bring the Goddess hope.

Feeding on change is perilous. Crackheads do not make friends treat them like the Goddess.

I need love. I know that feeling of wanting friends.

The F.B.I. does not free my mind or my hopes. Loss is making me feel that I helped too much to pretend that I made good for my friendships.

There is no understanding that pretension is fucked up. Dread the people who fear change.

Change will win, not pretense.

Men that make cruelty are playing change as a way to free love for their truth. I believe that my mother is doing what I bet she wanted, and that is, making hope for me and for love.

I have taken cruel advantage. The F.B.I. must ask why it needs to think it is protecting life when no one needs friendships to be poison.

Make change, not pain.

Make yourself the one who gives: solidarity makes flow president; pissed creativity is no one's pest. I want a fool to know that change makes failure happen and darkness.

Know that a guidance for strong life is bringing charges because the Goddess finds mothers home.

No friends make fear a gentle flow.

There's no congeniality when change is made as tough.

All sides turn to love.