More May Words, from c*'s note-book

The best antidotes to greatness are knowledge and culture.

***

Throw open a gate, and begin to steal
A mountainous debt that feelings make real.

***


Stefan, impassioned, freed the last slave;
Arete in truth, weeping a tear;
Maria, by the hearth, dark and serene,
keeps to her work, a friendless queer.

***

List all your change;
Claim all your mange.

***


Life gives a place for all who can face
that many are chased, but no one is "chrased."

***

as/ter/oid

***

Trying to be worst -- sibling competition
on my part -- a judgment.


***

sybil/e


***


God is angry, fierce, ferocious

But

Julia love Julia


***

Crack is truth


***

Me crazy


***

Issues with Sylvia

her life/kendor/bisexuality

***

To Do

5/28/09

Look up English/Classics/Religion programs NJ/NY

Call about train fare 6/5/09 ????

Put poetry on e-mail

Write

Mop floor

Look up "Hermetic philosophy" on Amazon


Sometimes boys are soft.

It's the alternation that makes relations what they are.

Disrupt Rainbow Heights Schedule

Sea b-low

Today’s poetic reflections – May 28, 2009

How do I want to be happy?
By giving myself to myself?
Or by giving myself to others!

Personal friendships
Impersonal thoughts

Arranging flowers
Digging the bed
Raking the soil
Troweling in the seeds.

Betterthan crying at the
Death ofa mother.

Sexuality and sorrow --
Doubles for your pleasurable perusal

Strong and doubtful
Leisured and likeable

Analyze, propose, dispose
Your benefit or your life

Headlines say
Go thataway

Jesse Helms and Strom Thurmond
Partners in hate

Embrace your vitality
And don’t look back

Bio-Her
Is Good

Crying out to your guardian angel
She is home






Appliance I


Your mother’s sheltering arms:
Not an appliance

Mysteries encamped
Trains
Mainly to be

Hey, hey, just playing with you!!!?

Sharing the strains of anger and doubt that i sometimes present as permeating my life, my awareness, and my being, I sometimes forget that I can and do carry on with a modicum of good humor and sensitivity and hope.

There's a lot to write other than these tempests in my teacup.

There does not seem to be a spreading forth of individuality, individualism and toleration due to this government. All the good things are rather distant and legalist to make change, to allow transformation (CHANGE) to derive from individual's lives, aspirations, abilities and hopes (even pleasures?).

Looking at the material arriving several times a week from Change.org, the democratic party affiliate that is taking on all these issues that Obama presented as urgent to address, I detect a rather moralistic tone in matters sexual. I too am against "human trafficking" and for "gay rights," but where is the party for (excuse the anachronism) getting it on? Where is the encouragement of broad-based sensuality and sexual liberation?

First, Obama is a lawyer, not a crowd that likes to let out its silk underwear in public; second he has allowed himself as a Christian in good standing to rely on faith-based initiatives. These seem inherently to put the kibosh on having a good time. And he's not that great a dancer.

Without some sort of acknowledgment that human sexuality is at the bottom/top/middle of the human endeavor, and that its distortion and manipulation is the aim of the majority of the cultures the President wishes to embrace in his more friendly globalism, there will be no end to the gender wars that underlie the economic and political conflicts that are sweeping the world. Didn't he read Civilization and its Discontents by Freud (written in the 1920s) and REJECT its premise that society can survive only if the erotic is channeled toward family and work? Maybe even embrace the power of Revolutionary Love to carry humanity past "society"?

Speaking of anachronisms, where in time are the churches, synagogues and mosques Obama from which Obama derives support? The 1920s? The 1820s? 2020 is on its way, and people are still rigidly adhering to either puritanical standards or frenetic sexual expressions that are parodies of what I at any rate need: the chance to pursue desire with partners of my choice openly and publicly without shame or guilt and without rigid gender or economic strictures to that choice.

It is not surprising that a President that has yet to address the issues of gays in the military or trans and gay people dying by suicide or murder due solely to heterosexual hate, is slow to evoke the power of sexuality to make CHANGE. He really needs us trans people to let him in on the secret of how human sexuality really works and where it can take us (and him.) He is attractive, isn't he? Maybe he just needs that little epiphany that contact with our community can provide.

What I surround

Emptiness descending--
Fear a lover;

Cream splashes out,
mixes with the rest;

Dark anger
becomes clots of blood.

Slaves to this pain (or that)
are friends to Home:

They knock at the door
for a daily hit.

Pain is the pleasantry,
Slavery is the crime.

******************

Be your mother's friend, but don't be her housemate. She's not going to be there to let you know what happened to you.

Once a little time has passed, I will see you and yours.


Love,

CSTAR MARE

To the Wall, To the Limit -- a first approximation

What a great line in that song of several years ago.

To live freely and passionately is my hope. To integrate kindness, caring and sexuality will help lead to that end.

I believe that re-integrating these aspects of my life will begin by making my mother's home better for her. This is something I've never really done, but I think that not only will she be happier with me, I will be happier with myself and have some realistic idea about what it is I need in the way of household work if and when I move.

I believe that the time of trepidation and anxiety is slowly coming to a close. The decisions I shall make will re-integrate my life in such a way that it will become clear that what I do and how I do it -- productively, constructively and freely -- is what is meant to be for me.

My dreams are to be loved as a whore (I wish I knew why); to be a writer, scholar and perhaps teacher of the art of the humane (perhaps something different from the humane arts). And of course to do it with style.

I believe that I have accepted myself to the extent that the above is coming into reach.

To know where my limits are and learn to work within them will bring me to the place where obstacles will turn into gateways and my life will take on a meaning the Goddess smiles upon.

Now comes more work.

c* to c* and you

Try very hard to know or imagine that there's a place that you will find pleasant.

Afraid of Goddesses that win,

straight the moose

William the Conqueror rested until he could not really hold a glove [or the glove couldn't hold him?]

And for me that's a trial.


When you find the answers that you are looking for,
Give back to the ones that you love a friend who lives for you

Muse/museum taking me in unwonted direction.

STrong is beautiful, but lessons are good to be kind and happy about.

Places, graces, paces.


ANd that 's all, folks.

What to Worry About

N.B. These lines are from my n.b.

What to worry about

I wonder if people like themselves

I wonder if the Goddess is a beautiful woman

I wonder if I can live forever


* * *


Goddess like forever
Beauty like c*
*c was JKH/Pain = bread in french

Bread needs seeds



* * *



Living the Dead

Men chair apparent
Lesbian rest dare
Clay rest home

Lose love a lonely rose


* * *


Hope is good to Harry



* * *


The Brambles of Everyday Life

Stare goddess
Pare

I see


* * *


c* Mare
= Sister Mary
or
Caesar Murray

* * *

Letter


c* needed c* so
Loving would live




Lesbians are home




* * *



philosophia

Words have a value called help


* * *

human being is with you

The love of women is good




Seeing Obama at Notre Dame: "Beauty is Love"



You think I'm bad, but I'm really c*






_____________________________________________________________________

Mess

Poetry no good rotten


Fret

Bare

Come












c* mare

A peaceful morning

Ways of knowing that you are home:

You don't fret

You don't treat yourself as a person

You don't collide with the movements of the household orbs

Blaming is not good.



Sitting, buying, banding

JBM

THe Dawn of the Bimbo

So, I'll be the secretary without much to play for.

There's a lot to do, and I'm a Murray.

Mush on.

What is done with Rude People?

Since yesterday's rudeness on my part to one of my readers, I have discovererd that I have few friends because I let no one in. I hope to do that.

Not so fast, right.

Nothing is likely to begin friendships other than freeing myself from pain.

It's not happy to be this poison -er.

Hunter is Goddess.

Must move .

Artemis, please release an arrow !!!

Homely clients need not play.

STamper.

Bitch wanted love, and was proud.

Find girls in the life.

Adios,

Julia

The air -- it's so clear!

To be deliberate, considered, discursive, and fully elaborated in my writing is of course my ideal and is the guiding light of what I do here.

Right.

The fact is that there is no single way to arrive at readable writing that expresses something important to the writer or to the reader.

I have been as varied in my approach as I can be within the limits, usually, of some sort of seriousness of intent and often content.

In this moment, I would rather throw all that by the wayside.

Sometimes, as politics is too important to leave to politicians (or war to generals), writing is too important to be done as a compository set-piece.

alsdkjroeaijfdlkjjRRRRSSSADSS!S!

The Goddess is -- TedslkdjflkejelkjrrA
ANd Faarressdrlkjr'Srlkjeoijd
r

GateeeeerrrsssatadjlfkjerR

Law is somehow fdjslkrjewaer

Gaze at me and you'll find a RSARSRSATRRR

Laazy Is Good.

Say, this is not all that productive -- but it is spontaneoius, so it brings something out of me that otherwise wouild not be ddffpresent. So, here goes!

(Automatic)

GEkrRSRdkrkLRSRSDRDWaRRrWwaRRRRR

Lamination is for all the good people who have insisted on their own way of living.

I hate the way that people find themselves to be some sort djkrl;akjsdrljkr

Crazy



LaRRRRRRSSAARR

and I am jdfldkrer
Chatrrrsasrkl

BsadsdrR

GSDSRRARRJJ

SJUSSS

Anmd there's a lot further to go.

Please be patient, as I am in the midst of devolution/deterioration/sinking to a bottome that I have to say is a kind of instrumentless landing in a fog over an unknown landscape.

I hope I'm still here when it's finished.

You are patient, so I thank you, gratefully, in advance.

There's just so many ways to avoid saying that Julia is very friendly.

To the wrong people, if you know what I mean: "friendly."

As in nearly 200 unprotected and often anonymous sexual encoiunters.

I'm going there.

Why is it that people have the idea that I am hoping for friends that will give me presence?

I am more interested in embracing all that is profound, invigorating and sensual about being a woman, and living a life that does not deny that to me or rto anyone else who can devote themselves to the pleasure that freedom can bring.

Please understand that there is joy, ecstasy and hope in even the emotional depths, unto the moment of death (I believe).

Can you please remember that all that is of this world/the Goddess/(EVERYTHING) is to embrace gratefully and humbly and with love and respect for ALL that is alive, which is to say, ALL.

When the end comes for me as JUlia/Estoril/Brigid I will panic, I will be afraid, and I will be home.

I hope I will be with you.

LOve and happiness,



Tears of Estoril.

Basic Survival

This is one fucked up world

I'm just going to write whatever comes to mind, then go back (maybe) and edit it.

Right now I am having an existential panic attack over whether or not I can survive in this place. The fact is that I HATE the people here. I know that I do really terrible things like look at women the wrong way, disrespect people because of race and class, etc., etc. But that is for the most part something that takes place in my own brain and I am constantly striving not to let that be the basis of what I believe or how I act.

Today I went to the movies with my mother. I just could not stand the way people were looking at me as an object of amusement and as subhuman. These people are local yokel fool/redneck/stupid/arrogant/mean/bitches and their loutish mates. If I had any guts I would have called them out, leading of course to being hospitalized or jailed. Maybe it's worth it. AFter all, it was day time and probably they weren't armed. Instead I imitated how they were looking at me, at my Mother, so SHE would "know how it felt," WHICH WAS DIsrespectful to her. Then I just left. I couldn't stand it. So I bought a book: The collected Oscar Wilde. Good choice.

Then I walked to the parking lot and my Mother drove me home.

The movie was STAR TREK!

Anyway I felt devastated, angry, hopeless and at my wit's end. It appears that I don't belong here or anywhere else, and for whatever combination of reasons I allow myself not to stand up for myself. I felt like smoking crack and made an abortive attempt to find some. I made the remark to my mother, who chided me for doing drugs, and finding them more important than anything else (not true), that what I found was a problem were people who decided to be just like everybody else instead of being themselves. I think that hit home. It did nothing for our "relationship" this beautiful Mother's day.

Then I made the mistake of making an emergency call to my brand new therapist, that absolutely worthless son of a bitch. He managed to listen to me through my tears, said a few perfunctory "I hear you's " or something along those lines and AGREED with me! that I should lie down for a while.

I felt like tearing down this world, or myself or both, and I get to go to bed.

I am extremely frustrated. I am isolated. and this is a danger for my (see title) BASIC survival.

As far as I'm concerned, the people who advocated that I come here did so out of either a misguided sense of pity or an active desire to keep me away from them. My readers can guess who is who.

I don't know where to go, because I did make the decision not to go back to New York. Right now, I just feel like hitting it, except my mohter wouild probably a) beg me, cry, etc. not to go b) have me hospitalized; which is, I haven't said here, what she wouild like to do -- LONG TERM. She has the illusion that there are places for people like me. The only place for people like me is to fight or die, and I'm not going to let anybody decide for me which it's going to be.

So to those of you who know what I'm saying, I salute you for your struggles every day; and for those of you who don't, or dont' "care." FUCK YOU AND THE HORSE YOU RODE IN ON.!

It's a Quarter Past Three, and nobody's here but me and me

To DO:

fIND A WAY OUT OF MY mother's house.

Understand my decision not to go back to New York

Train my new psychiatrist and therapist

Learn to accept the future I have embraced while not walking over others in the process.

Not see myself as subhuman for liking to do what I do -- orlet others see me that way.

Write, research, work for money as tutor/personal care assistant/office-retail worker/lowpaid service worker

Prove to others that instability is not all bad , even if it's not what it's cracked up to be.

Embrace myself and new friends.

Get people here to understand just how far behind they are in their politics and thinking.

Find someone with emotions that they aren't afraid to talk about.

Be very very careful about how/whether I involve myself in side activities.

Be happy

All of the above seems extremely reasonable and desirable to me, and I believe I deserve change in a "positive" direction.

I hope that if I offend anyone with my behavior or words, that you will let me know that I have done so, so that I can not do it to you or anyone else again.

Jeez, this coffee makes me optimistic -- the next illegal drug.

I really want my readers to understand that though I may be in isolation for a reason (many of them), I am still committed to advance our cause insofar as it is the cause of justice, and I will talk to and behave according to the needs of anyone whose life has made them the object of hatred, scorn, ridicule or violence.

I've been there in some ways myself.

I really am needing to feel that someone out there is metaphorically holding their arms out to me, that I am not reaching out to thin air.

Suggestions as to how I can change, or whether I shoiuld just move on and barrel along at full speed toward my destiny, are welcome!


Love, the Queen of the Portuguese Beach Resorts

I'm fucked, and I'm going with it

See above

The Eternal Verities of Life

A Tree Creates Fruit

A Seed Creates A Tree

Fruit Nourishes Seed(s)




It finally occurred to me that my appearance of non-happiness is simply a holdover from the days when people continually questioned why I'm not happy. Appearing non-happy is therefore not my fault!!!!!!!

Yeay!



Blast-off!

The streak of preveiling wind/ing is treating this finally her to a beautiful and joyful outpouring of energy.

In other words, I'm going to be okay!

So, what's going on?

I believe that today there has been a pretty sharp realization that one person is not the Creator.

I am very happy and pleased to give reason (where reason is protection of life) and sustenance (of life) to my sister/sib/brother life forms.

You are all the reason for my being on this planet (ALIVE!) and I do not need to feel bad about myself or you or my need to be happy and feel the affection that I deeply need.

Please understand that you and I and we and they are all one.

Be happy

Strong and helpful,

Estoril

Julia

P.S. Thank you transaged activist for introducing me to the trannie in Minneapolis. A truly good and sweet person!

Poetry from the Bored

Noticeable Affectations

Julia Murray

Saturnian brain
Pavlovian plain
Aggressive Act
Lesbian Pact

(Malory release
Janine chalice)

Moment crying
Lover lying

* * *

Roses helping
Bees receiving

Breath embracing
Will/i/am chasing.