Why bother writing?

There's anger, despair, disappointment.

I'd rather write about something that happened, but I don't know any way to make it better for me or the other person involved.

I passed judgment on someone with whom I acted as if we were the closest of friends. I said she liked/chose what she did, as if I didn't.

The anger and the distress I feel have everything to do with fear.
I fear believing that there is anyone who can be comfortable with my self. I know that I am not comfortable with myself.

Let me, dear readers, enumerate what it is I am uncomfortable with. Perhaps then you can discern for yourselves what it is I am doing that has resulted in this emotional and "spiritual" impasse I have reached.

First, I do not like having to define myself as different from other people. It seems that I need people for something other than sounding boards, sources of support, etc., which is what I have let friendship become for me.

I would much rather understand that the pain and anger I feel are derivative of hatred. I hate the strength I must instill in myself to subsist in this ignorant place. I don't feel like I need to know everything that I have to learn to "subsist." I am pretending all the time that I can simply live in my head and everything will be all right because that is where I am safest and strongest.

The alternative is to feel.

Feelings are very scary. I know that all I have to do is tell you what they are. They are stupid feelings like anger, disgust, and loneliness.

I'm sure I must have made others feel this way myself or I would not have internalized them so thoroughly.

I just want to say that despite my hypocrisy, that I am doing what I have to do to understand the imperatives of this moment. Sameness can only be acceptable if all can be a part of it, and it is clear that I cannot realize the hopes and dreams of others while judging those hopes and dreams.

Since I have spoken hurtful, judgmental words, I need to be happy with the consequences, because they are all I have. I just don't want to believe that people can do what they want without there being a crackhead making life miserable for them.


Misery, unhappiness and judgment/superiority do not mix.

I just want someone who loves me to know that I'm a bitch.

I just want someone who sees me as a woman to know that I am a hateful person because hate treats me to death, and death ends all the turmoil.

Sexuality for me is a way to achieve love. I cannot go around fucking people and then expecting to feel good about it. However, I am probably mistaken in my approach. I have been in this place that hides sexuality so long that I don't allow it to be a reaqlity in other's lives.


This anger is simply that I cannot make you my lover because you are the same as I am.

I need to know that wishes to become the other people in your life only result in unhappiness.

I need to feel that I am good.

I need to feel that love can exist without force or domination.

Where can I go to live?

Where can I go to let it be?

If I have been a phony to others, let them know that Goddess will let it be.

I'm afraid of anyone who knows me to be a freak.

I don't know how to stop demonizing those parts of myself. Just embrace what the Goddess has given.

Need. Flattened passion. Stupidity.

I have found mysself a moose.

Strong, direct, practical.

Stay sexy.

Goodbye.

Julia Murray

Bitch crackhead