Feelings afraid of strength.
Strength as hateful as a fool.
There is time now to understand the vagaries of friendship and trust.
There is hope that coming to terms with failure will allow me to understand why I hate Sylvia for taking feelings that I could not accept and making them something that gave me nourishment.
I can only say that when I was the age I was at then -- 35-38 -- I knew that people wanted beauty and that they saw that in me. I resented having to be the image of the beauty that I had even though at times I reveled in and took advantage of that need of some who were very close to me.
I was feeding and fed.
I was giving and given.
I was hated and hateful.
Certainly there must be a way that the knowledge that I have betrayed the person that could see beauty in others as well as herself can keep me from destruction. I don't know.
People need to seek happiness and that means that I must ask for myself of myself what it is that I know, sustain, feel and bring to life that is not destructive.
Craziness
Hate
Happiness
Strength
Taste
Crack.
Believe.
Love,
C*
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