Queen

Latin:  Regina

I carry around a lot of anger.  I have just realized that it is not there to serve my needs. 

I cannot be for my own peace; I cannot make myself be happy; I cannot change; I cannot let go; I cannot be what  is strong; nor can I make myself hopeful with this anger seething inside like a bag full of lava in my chest.

There is no pain in being loving; there is no foolishness in being happy; there is no hatred in being free.  I simply cannot apply my energy in a satisfactory way with this anger there.

I hate my anger.  Maybe if you would help me not be stupid about it, I would be able to locate its source and be strong enough to make it a non-threatening presence so that I am not only an expression of its force.

Direction:  I must let people know that I did not make my anger part of my being.  I refuse to make it my reason to be.  I am here for the love that will emerge when I am able to put this anger in perspective.

This is not a question of any kind of constructive emotion.  It is not constructive in any way.  I am not Achilles, able to destroy my enemies -- whoever they may be -- because of it.  I am not George Patton, I am not any sort of military or political or spiritual or cultural leader as a result of this anger.  It is totally misplaced or displaced within me from some place I must treat as never having been properly noted or addressed.

Since I have this anger, I must believe that I have been scathed with some fire sometime in my life that I have not learned to remember fully enough to bring to the surface. 

There is cruelty in having to be the place this emotion rests. 

I used to believe this anger had something to do with me or my transsexuality.  Now I think it is something alien and destructive that I am not responsible for except to remove its power over me.

Please if you wish, I hope to allow this desperate attachment to dissipate and to be no more.

It has nothing to do with friends; it has nothing to do with being Julia; it has to do with a death of my own reasons for being happy.

I safely ask that I love myself and not be afraid to recognize the door to my liberation.

Laughter will be beautiful.