sex work and change

I have realized that to me white power is an inculcation of a fear of dealing with oneself. Upon reflection I now know that what I have failed to deal with is that, primarily, I "teach" sex. In other words, I am a kind of sex worker.

Now because of this I must learn to assert myself in what is an environment with little or no visible social support.

Sierra Vista is a largely white, military and military retiree town with conservatives greatly outnumbering others, and even more so in available public media.

It is a locality in which anti-immigrant groups are not only active but where their headquarters are maintained; it is host to Fort Huachuca, which trains intelligence officers and others going to Afghanistan (recently sponsoring international military exercises based on a certain resemblance between the local topography and Afghanistan.)

Now there is no doubt that there are other sex workers here. I do not know any who are public. I have not been paid for sex since I've been here (more than two years) though I have twice climbed into men's cars with the prospect of having sex, one of whom I believe wanted to pimp me out, and the other who just got free sex from me.

I have been very hidden myself partly due to my original intent of coming here only temporarily to gather money to continue my crack-whore lifestyle in New York combined with my mother's horror at whores.

I have had very little social contact of any kind with anyone until recently since I have begun attending the NAMI (National Association of the Mentally Ill) meetings on Thursday nights. I have not told anyone there about being a sex worker partly out of fear of the reaction of the males and also of the females in the group. I believe now that I will "out" myself.

Now, according to some of my readers, I am a betrayer of sex workers due to my having criticized and looked down upon others with either the courage to not or the lack of opportunity to depend on their parents. I have to add to this incidents of discomfort with brothers and sisters of other races and social groups. Put this all together and I'm a pretty selfish poseur taking up space more valuable for other people.

But now I think I can sincerely assert that (and sincerity is the key to deconstructing hypocrisy both individually and collectively) I am primarily a combination of poser and nerd and hustler. None of this is palatable to me or others.

I wish to give friendship. I offer this friendship to anyone of any background or status. This includes revolutionary nationalists and current sex workers or any combination there of.

I am guilty also of providing money to people solely on the basis of their asking for it because of my insincerity at playing prostitute.

I wish to let go of being nothing.

As you may find this post puzzling and contradictory, I can only say that i will attend to the implications and nature of these statements more extensively at another time.

Life can give trust.

Mostly costly,

c* (Julia)