A Day in the Life of...

Just here at the Public Library in Sierra Vista with my Mom, who is wandering around looking for books to read while I use the computer. She was formerly looking at the 50th anniversary yearbook of my high school. There were pictures from the early 80s and I was able to identify several of the students shown.

I really want to (as usual) say so much, but I've forgotten what, so I'm just going to write what comes to mind.

First, I'm planning to go to Wyoming this weekend. I am beginning to realize that Wyoming may be no more accepting/receptive than Arizona, and probably less so. The woman I will stay with is already hinting that she's going to want money from me for this and that... As one of my ex-friends used to say, those friends who ask money from you to stay with them are not your friends. But she is an ex methhead and prostitute, and she grew up across the street and she's far away from my mother. We must have SOMETHING in common. What's going to happen? I'm nervous. Her husband doesn't sound like he's all that nice or pleasant. He drinks, she has gone back to drinking. There's some mysterious substance that she has mentioned I might use (as an "option"). I don't know. I'm aware that I may be willing myself into a place where I get high again, but right in the moment, I'm not so very eager to let that happen. Whatever.

I had a really intense and productive session with my therapist, Jeff, this Monday. He asked me whether I had "mourned my male body" yet, and I had to tell him I had not. I asked whether I should send a casket down a stream, and he said I could perform a ceremony or otherwise address this need of mine.

We also discussed how I had discounted many of my feelings of judgment during the time between my coming out and having my operation. He asked me whether it might be that judgment was a "human" thing. Of course I agreed. Now I have been struggling for the last few years to be non-judgmental both to myself and others, thinking that this might be one key to my having relationships with others that were solid and "rewarding." Perhaps this was one more obsessive error on my part. Right in this moment I kind of resent the fact that it was put on me to change. I am changing, but if I have any friends, they're just going to have to accept what it is, I'm changing into, and that's a BITCH. I'm so sorry I'm not something that I'm not.

Still doing mostly lazing about the house, reading and watching TV, cooking and a little cleaning. Anticipating the bus trip, scared.

I just finished a book!

The Great Transformation by Karen Armstrong.

It was certainly informative and thought provoking, which I suppose may be the source of the writer's popularity. However, I became somewhat confused with all the different historical developments of the Axial Age and her take on them, and what I thought of them (as usual). Unless you're a scholar in the field and know the evidence, it's not easy to make the kind of JUDGMENTS of some conclusions that I'd like to make.

What was perhaps most interesting was the general fact that the civilizations of the era between 1200 b.c. and 200 b.c. were in parallel shifting from religions of sacrifice and ritual to more interior means of achieving personal liberation from the hardships of life, and the particulars of this transition were influenced heavily by the interests of specific social classes and states within history.

Truly there is much to learn.

What I would like to say in parting is, "More Power to Freedom!"

Something else: I am very much in need of pleasure (of diverse kinds). How can I reach beyond this pleasure-denying place without endangering my life? As CL (who's she?) said, everything in moderation. Is that possible for me? Only time will tell!


I hope someone will contact me


It was good to speak to JKH.

Blessed Be,

c*

Oh, fucking crap!

But first, a Poem

Wheat grows toward
A beautiful night.
Papa's found an orchard;
Mama's got the light.

And one more

Tangerine Sea

Mexico fried trees
Elated stars wheeze
Sexual bondage a mirror
Loving kindness is nearer



And another by William Bar (me)

Opinion Claims Moose

Sharing feelings takes emotion
Increases it, raises it, to devotion.




So back to subject number one -- my hypocrisy.


I was keen to become a prostitute. At Survivors of Transsexuality Anonymous (an old, largely forgotten "support" group), the women who worked seemed much more feminine, aware, womanly and knowing than the others who were largely dweebs. I had begun hanging out at Sally's ("dressed") and knew that I could get money for coke by having sexual contact with the habitues of the place. I was frankly envious and determined to show that I could be proficient in the profession. I was in it for money and power and showing off my ability to "love." Sex to my mind seemed secondary to seduction. I did of course have sex with the men and occasionally found it fun, especially when high.

When I became sick of the degrading acts I performed, and more aware of the self-destructiveness I was displaying, I attempted to turn away from it, only to find that there were many reasons to continue. In particular I tried to protect other girls. I was shocked to find that most did not take to "protection." Obviously they also had their reasons to work.

For some reason I just did not see myself in others who were trying to seduce men and benefit from it. It shocked and dismayed me that people would persist in that, because it had caused me damage. I learned not to try to interfere in what seems to be a rather common introduction to the life of being a woman.

More:

I tried to make love a reality within my "career" and at the same time was intensely interested in pursuing an image, money and being shady.

My choices had seemed limited when I came out (and they perhaps were). I wanted to prove myself. I wanted to look beautiful and sexy. At the same time it seemed to me that I was destroying my life, that I wasn't getting what I expected, that I was disappointing myself and my parents. I used to cry and bang my head against the wall in the bathroom in despair and desperation. So, did I choose what I did for similar reasons as anyone else? Probably. Do I have a right to judge? No. Have I judged? Yes.

--Bitch was my friend--

And now is it closed?


Au revoir
c*mare

Why bother writing?

There's anger, despair, disappointment.

I'd rather write about something that happened, but I don't know any way to make it better for me or the other person involved.

I passed judgment on someone with whom I acted as if we were the closest of friends. I said she liked/chose what she did, as if I didn't.

The anger and the distress I feel have everything to do with fear.
I fear believing that there is anyone who can be comfortable with my self. I know that I am not comfortable with myself.

Let me, dear readers, enumerate what it is I am uncomfortable with. Perhaps then you can discern for yourselves what it is I am doing that has resulted in this emotional and "spiritual" impasse I have reached.

First, I do not like having to define myself as different from other people. It seems that I need people for something other than sounding boards, sources of support, etc., which is what I have let friendship become for me.

I would much rather understand that the pain and anger I feel are derivative of hatred. I hate the strength I must instill in myself to subsist in this ignorant place. I don't feel like I need to know everything that I have to learn to "subsist." I am pretending all the time that I can simply live in my head and everything will be all right because that is where I am safest and strongest.

The alternative is to feel.

Feelings are very scary. I know that all I have to do is tell you what they are. They are stupid feelings like anger, disgust, and loneliness.

I'm sure I must have made others feel this way myself or I would not have internalized them so thoroughly.

I just want to say that despite my hypocrisy, that I am doing what I have to do to understand the imperatives of this moment. Sameness can only be acceptable if all can be a part of it, and it is clear that I cannot realize the hopes and dreams of others while judging those hopes and dreams.

Since I have spoken hurtful, judgmental words, I need to be happy with the consequences, because they are all I have. I just don't want to believe that people can do what they want without there being a crackhead making life miserable for them.


Misery, unhappiness and judgment/superiority do not mix.

I just want someone who loves me to know that I'm a bitch.

I just want someone who sees me as a woman to know that I am a hateful person because hate treats me to death, and death ends all the turmoil.

Sexuality for me is a way to achieve love. I cannot go around fucking people and then expecting to feel good about it. However, I am probably mistaken in my approach. I have been in this place that hides sexuality so long that I don't allow it to be a reaqlity in other's lives.


This anger is simply that I cannot make you my lover because you are the same as I am.

I need to know that wishes to become the other people in your life only result in unhappiness.

I need to feel that I am good.

I need to feel that love can exist without force or domination.

Where can I go to live?

Where can I go to let it be?

If I have been a phony to others, let them know that Goddess will let it be.

I'm afraid of anyone who knows me to be a freak.

I don't know how to stop demonizing those parts of myself. Just embrace what the Goddess has given.

Need. Flattened passion. Stupidity.

I have found mysself a moose.

Strong, direct, practical.

Stay sexy.

Goodbye.

Julia Murray

Bitch crackhead

Feel-Good Poetry (It was good for me to write)

A Lover

The Goddess is good
Beauty feels good
My thoughts are soft

Sex is a will
Journeys seem beautiful
People try love



Her People

Prick Prick Prick
People People People
Hers


Response and Reaction

Love is good
People good
Julia stupid

Alexander, Alexander, Alexander

A: Why, I'd call her last post tendentious, paranoid and ignorant.



B: It's a little shaky, I admit



A: Didn't seem to me there was anything shaking there.



B: She's just trying to say that the anger is about home.



A: Home?



B: Her love for her life.

A: But anger?

B: The Goddess knows what love is, and life is something that belongs to it. The anger is about knowing what she needs without knowing what to do about it.

A: Oh. Fascinating.

B: Yes, isn't it.

A and B: Good luck c*! [stay in touch]

Personality and Society: an analysis

It is giving life to give personality.

The ability to live according to one's feelings, conscience needs and impulses is good.

Attempts to control personality by placing controls on its expression is a denial of individuals' humanity and of the sacredness of life.

When societies control populations via behavioral methods, that is exactly what occurs: an attempt to encroach upon personality. This may ultimately become a means for societies to destroy resistance to social domination by elites of those they rule.

It is imperative to allow the free development of personality as a source of and guarantor of social development. People can and do learn to treat each other with full recognition of each other's humanity. Basing society's development on individual lives is the road to justice, peace and harmony.

Life is its own first priority, and its impulses are the means by which humanity may find its destiny and fulfillment.