Empire

A bomb drinks Mommy.

Unclear.

The original thought(s) I had were ill.  These include pain failure Sartre war and krack.
\


Self-harm via negative thoughts about myself and my life have been a major part of this blog.

A father who is a writer and a philosopher is my doppelgänger.  I search for majority and domination in the thoughts of great philosophers like Sartre and Hegel.

There is a bitch in my mommy:  a projection.

A goddamn moose equals black.

My father was a soldier and had the philosophy of a soldier.  He believed in getting things done quickly and efficiently in an organized way.

I never chose where I put things.  I just left them on the floor for a later that never came.  I still do.  However, for the first time in my life I have arranged those of my books that are unpackaged in alphabetical order by author in the three categories of fiction, non-fiction and poetry.

This droning is a very dull self therapy.  That much I can tell you.

I have produced a numb person.

My goddamn world thinks about my hope for broads.

Maybe the reality (and Being and Nothingness is, it turns out, a non-realist philosophy) acts too much Bruce-like.

I have asked the Goddess to inspire my words.  This is not what I have expected.

On the horizon, all fag moments .  One more sickness to address.

I miss all the artists like Maureen Anderson I used to know.

The trees and mountains here are so green.  I enjoy them.

I love the sound of the surf across the way in the middle of the night while I am smoking.

Bob bob bob bob.

The moment and change

Omens rock
Drama calls me narcotic
I am sick with hamming darkness

This body asks for trust in farts (like me)

Over the rainbow

I am thinking too much about hate

Law boop keys freedom laughter

My words provoke a response from me and send me on a journey through time and change

The flip side is that I carry a crown of intellect that sees only as it chooses.

Rape stinks

Words to make me happy?

What I dreamt was that I was in Oakland and it was huge and modernistic with big underground train tunnels.  I left my brother and took a train to San Francisco but I wasn't sure I made it because there was still a little bit of bay between me and the City.

People who live in New York do not call San Francisco the "City."

I found out a lot this week.  I hope I can write it here.

I located Julia inside me.  She is tremendously vulnerable and simple; not much of her personality survived transition.  I don't think she should ever be alone.  I think she needs 24 hour supervision.  I'm afraid I'll hurt people out of frustration.

I tried telling my therapist this but she only continued with her idea of having three visitors a week.

I met the other "members" of the Assertive Community Program at a Christmas Party.  It was tremendously depressing.  The others were older and not very communicative.  They seemed tremendously withdrawn but I was the only one who cried.  I thought it was cruel to bring us together in such a depressing manner.  We had ham, scalloped potatoes, mashed potatoes; and plates of fruit and vegetables, which I did I did not eat.

There was plenty of garlic in the scalloped potatoes so I enjoyed them.

I spoke to my psychiatric nurse practitioner via video hookup and my therapist called me a he, so that's what she thinks of me.  Earlier in our drive to Tillamook I was struggling with a desire to rape her, which was awful.  I had these feelings because my nerve endings are the same and I liked her.  I tried to care about men, which is what Sylfvisa thought of non transgender women , more than that.  That is a lie.  I thought about her as a woman.  I can't  trust myself.  I did nothing to her.

So long for today.  I am a her.

Overcome

Digital iteration is the opposite hell
Than Swank Nefertiti dying in my composite shell.

Glory, glory, glory in a time of surcease?
My folly's entirety is self increase.

The loss of such pursuit I fear:
My Terrorism is to make Witches clear.

I pray I am not too ill
For Love under Will.

frustration

ill words

family thamily boobs tinkers woman

 bangles grief clones death girlie

gender omens anger

Twisted cope

orgies gay money anger

Twitching lies

Attachments

Patience, I hope, is available from you today.

My mind is a soup of confused, indistinct thoughts.

At least I do not feel unstable.  Yesterday was full of shakiness mentally and was very unpleasant.

Obviously I need help.  I don't think an angel of compassion would be able to work through what is in my mind.  I need to take my medication and not do drugs.

Pleasure of existence is not available to all and I hope you can learn that and remember that not everyone is on an equal footing when it comes to mental functioning.  We need forbearance.

That said I am going to make some coffee and eat.

Perhaps you also will take care of your needs.

I would like a car.

Soon Jamie will visit me here in Oregon.  I can usually communicate with her and she has a lot of healing abilities.  I want to be a healer.  That means I have to fight mental health workers, who nearly always lack understanding.  Their theories and training are divorced from reality, benefiting only those who don't give a shit.  They need a piece of my mind.

Write a good joke and make your enemies convulse with laughter.  Maybe they'll learn something.

Ciao!

Pain bores me with butter, roses and bombs

Through the looking glass

Low-level attack

Holding to my precepts, which involve a perception of my life and my surroundings that I would like to believe values life over prejudice, I am attempting to communicate sad and painful emotions which have arisen in the course of a period of struggle with separation, collapse and foolish contact with friends with whom I have engaged in that part of criminality attached to drug (methamphetamine) use.

A little over a week ago, I declared my independence from my brother, with whom I have mostly been staying for two and a half years on the north Oregon coast, in favor of life in the small nearby town of Tillamook as a member of a drug culture.  I stayed in a trailer for three days with a mother and son who were, it came to strike me, lying criminals I could not trust.  I went back to my brother.

Now, however, I once again find myself filled with pain and anguish.

Chaos worries me.  Order loathes me.

I do not think a catalog of aimless thoughts is what I want to convey.

I have money to buy a mobile home, where I would probably redouble my isolation but where I at least would escape my brother's emotional absence.

I know I have abilities which are not limited to incessant wallowing in pain.

To escape pain I HAVE TO ASSERT PEACE.  I do not see how submitting to a psychiatric work regimen reflects my values or needs.  Still I must work.  I chose to eat a dinner presented to me in the lobby of my former apartment building as a humiliation by Tracy, the woman I have shared meth with for the last four months.  I did not stand up for myself then.  Is there still a possibility that -- no, I am all words.

The cops stupefy me.

There's god in my body.  My family works.

Anger troubles me, troubles me, troubles me.

Implements of life surround me.  I am bored but still do not see the point of organizing them.

Intonation escapes me.

Today I am listening to jazz and watching Hurricane Harvey hit Houston.

What do you do about tone-deafness and a clumsy brain.  "Deft grace" as the words of a nonexistent reviewer  are not forthcoming.

Wield life!  Inhabit it!  Live it!

How many explanation points must interpose themselves before pre-emption by a visceral reaching-out ends typing and begins flight?

While you're walking by me I'm thinking of your fat ankles.  My therapist has fat ankles.  How do I trust her?

Think about cheese.

Think about pookah (Chelsea).



Moronic roses glow with me.

You can't frame life; life is the frame.

FOR WOMEN WHO HAVE THOUGHT THEY ARE GOD

To usurp God's place in the universe is dangerous but for me has been tempting whether or not God is thought to be a woman.

There are various correlative thoughts to this.

One is that isolation from those of my own kind, "transsexuals," and a kind of loner paganism can lead to blasphemy.

I believe God is everywhere so I too must be God.

So far I have only been committed once thanks to my delusion.

If the Goddess is within then where is God?

I want to banish cruelty but I am cruel, sometimes working at it, sometimes choosing acting badly for nothing.

Drugs appear to heighten the urge.

I listened to all peace (I thought I did anyway).  Edge of blasphemy here.  I have tried to embody the human race in my everyday actions.

I cannot share my life if I don't want to.

I'll wear beads not a dress.

I have not written here in six months.

I think about things too much.  So much pain about thinking about fascism and my thinking.  I failed to act upon the strengths which made strong calls for softness a lone.

These sentences cannot stand for the entirety of why there is reading.

I am reading Robert Creeley's collected poetry from 1975-2005.  He writes many poems deceptively simply in a way that reminds me of my own poetry but which is full of structure in few words.  He also writes about subjects which help me in my own life.  I have marked some of those passages in the book .  Please forgive me for not looking them up.  The book is upstairs and it is too much work to reconstruct the precise emotional states that make up the common threads in our lives.  There are also many differences, some quite puzzling.  Then of course his gender affects his approach to women, love and death, at least so far in the life he was leading in his late 40s and early 50s.

I have read over two hundred pages of poetry in only a few days.  This is the first time in a long time that I have read so much so quickly.  Perhaps this will give you an idea how much his poetry appeals to me.

I am presently preparing to fly to Arizona to stay with my friend Carol in Sierra Vista.  There is a possibility that I will buy my brother's half of our parents' house and that I will live there.  Possibly I will be even more bored if I do this.  Boredom can kill I want to tell the bourgeoisie who have organized our society around work and nothing else.  When I was at Oxford we used to sit around for hours just talking.  The same at Transie House.  Unfortunately when there is no substance to life other than being on the margins, there is a great temptation to get high, which is dangerous physically and emotionally.  And with meth there is a way of life in which meth is the substance metaphorically and literally of life and thieving for the money is part of that.  I do not want to wind up in jail.  Apparently          I do not hate the police enough to find an embrace from that culture.

I find what I have written above is, as usual, insufficient.  There is so much angst about this.

I feel bad.

'tis a very cruel pain which inhabits me.  So much anger about my art.  My art is a mental art.  I wish to practice, instead, magic.

I have so much cynicism.  There is no room for skepticism and intelligence in the world of the public mental health client.  I am not supposed to have a brain.

Tracy, my meth buddy, told me to go up.  

I am hopeful for a way to use what is left of my mind.  So much of what I don't understand involves organizing materials for work.  I resent the fact that my organizational skills are not adequate for the slave drivers, I mean bosses.

I wish to be thankful for the few good friends I have.  Even they don't share my ambition, except maybe fr Rusty, whose career has ended in an active retirement.  I feel I would only embarrass myself by going to a college teacher and giving my life story.  There is so much dubious in it.  WHY are you addicted to drugs?  WHY did you think getting high with black people would counteract racism?

My whole story boils down to dissolution and my various dissatisfactions.  How can I try to earn respect from people who would never have made the same choices?  Everything points to just living life, which is the whole problem to begin with.

Seize the day!

camps