Maybe I have not attained the state wherein my concerns do not outweigh the concerns of others, where harmony rather than individual interests prevail.
The fact is that no one other than me can ever understand my life better than I can. Since I live in a particularly intense milieu, perhaps it is incumbent on me to express MY ideas of what I'm about so that others do not make mistakes or suppose that they have the right to decide for me what I do and how I live.
First, it is clear that I do not handle pain well. I do not handle most emotions well. For instance, anger. Now, it so happens I have been in and out of therapy (mostly in) since the age of 16 (and I'm now 45!). Until now there has been no urgent reason to work out these problems (which are very near the core of what is going on with me) but in this instance, it seems that not only is one of my friendships on the line, but perhaps all others as well. It is not a pleasant feeling to have people gravitate away from one.
I am angry, frustrated and apprehensive. [I can hear so many of you saying, "so are we all." ]
The way that I have arrived at this state is by being more than usually careful of and aware of not only the things that I say and do but all the implications thereof. Perhaps this surprises you. Perhaps it seems that I am rather careless of others' feelings. More accurately, I am frozen in the overload. Most people do not care at all (or so I've been told) of what others think , feel or need. People are all out for number one. This is what a particularly bitter and cynical psychiatrist once told me.
I CARE BUT I AM NOT THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN MAKE THE WORLD LIVABLE.
My feelings are not the answer for hell.
They are hell.
I have made this so very difficult.
I am loving, helpful, and interested in the well being of others.
Be loving, and remember that there is love.
I need love.
Bitch, there is something else to say.
I will no longer justify the means by the ends.
Money fucked me over.
And money is still fucking me over.
And I am tired
I know for a fact that I have fun when love is the topic A.
So let it not be topic A.
Shaida Kamdar and I made an agreement to survive together.
My parents made such an agreement also.
And further....
Rest is the
