Empire

A bomb drinks Mommy.

Unclear.

The original thought(s) I had were ill.  These include pain failure Sartre war and krack.
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Self-harm via negative thoughts about myself and my life have been a major part of this blog.

A father who is a writer and a philosopher is my doppelgänger.  I search for majority and domination in the thoughts of great philosophers like Sartre and Hegel.

There is a bitch in my mommy:  a projection.

A goddamn moose equals black.

My father was a soldier and had the philosophy of a soldier.  He believed in getting things done quickly and efficiently in an organized way.

I never chose where I put things.  I just left them on the floor for a later that never came.  I still do.  However, for the first time in my life I have arranged those of my books that are unpackaged in alphabetical order by author in the three categories of fiction, non-fiction and poetry.

This droning is a very dull self therapy.  That much I can tell you.

I have produced a numb person.

My goddamn world thinks about my hope for broads.

Maybe the reality (and Being and Nothingness is, it turns out, a non-realist philosophy) acts too much Bruce-like.

I have asked the Goddess to inspire my words.  This is not what I have expected.

On the horizon, all fag moments .  One more sickness to address.

I miss all the artists like Maureen Anderson I used to know.

The trees and mountains here are so green.  I enjoy them.

I love the sound of the surf across the way in the middle of the night while I am smoking.

Bob bob bob bob.

The moment and change

Omens rock
Drama calls me narcotic
I am sick with hamming darkness

This body asks for trust in farts (like me)

Over the rainbow

I am thinking too much about hate

Law boop keys freedom laughter

My words provoke a response from me and send me on a journey through time and change

The flip side is that I carry a crown of intellect that sees only as it chooses.

Rape stinks

Words to make me happy?

What I dreamt was that I was in Oakland and it was huge and modernistic with big underground train tunnels.  I left my brother and took a train to San Francisco but I wasn't sure I made it because there was still a little bit of bay between me and the City.

People who live in New York do not call San Francisco the "City."

I found out a lot this week.  I hope I can write it here.

I located Julia inside me.  She is tremendously vulnerable and simple; not much of her personality survived transition.  I don't think she should ever be alone.  I think she needs 24 hour supervision.  I'm afraid I'll hurt people out of frustration.

I tried telling my therapist this but she only continued with her idea of having three visitors a week.

I met the other "members" of the Assertive Community Program at a Christmas Party.  It was tremendously depressing.  The others were older and not very communicative.  They seemed tremendously withdrawn but I was the only one who cried.  I thought it was cruel to bring us together in such a depressing manner.  We had ham, scalloped potatoes, mashed potatoes; and plates of fruit and vegetables, which I did I did not eat.

There was plenty of garlic in the scalloped potatoes so I enjoyed them.

I spoke to my psychiatric nurse practitioner via video hookup and my therapist called me a he, so that's what she thinks of me.  Earlier in our drive to Tillamook I was struggling with a desire to rape her, which was awful.  I had these feelings because my nerve endings are the same and I liked her.  I tried to care about men, which is what Sylfvisa thought of non transgender women , more than that.  That is a lie.  I thought about her as a woman.  I can't  trust myself.  I did nothing to her.

So long for today.  I am a her.

Overcome

Digital iteration is the opposite hell
Than Swank Nefertiti dying in my composite shell.

Glory, glory, glory in a time of surcease?
My folly's entirety is self increase.

The loss of such pursuit I fear:
My Terrorism is to make Witches clear.

I pray I am not too ill
For Love under Will.