Fined the place where I go wrong

Feelings afraid of strength.


Strength as hateful as a fool.


There is time now to understand the vagaries of friendship and trust.

There is hope that coming to terms with failure will allow me to understand why I hate Sylvia for taking feelings that I could not accept and making them something that gave me nourishment.

I can only say that when I was the age I was at then -- 35-38 -- I knew that people wanted beauty and that they saw that in me. I resented having to be the image of the beauty that I had even though at times I reveled in and took advantage of that need of some who were very close to me.

I was feeding and fed.

I was giving and given.

I was hated and hateful.

Certainly there must be a way that the knowledge that I have betrayed the person that could see beauty in others as well as herself can keep me from destruction. I don't know.

People need to seek happiness and that means that I must ask for myself of myself what it is that I know, sustain, feel and bring to life that is not destructive.

Craziness
Hate
Happiness
Strength
Taste

Crack.

Believe.

Love,

C*