What I dreamt was that I was in Oakland and it was huge and modernistic with big underground train tunnels. I left my brother and took a train to San Francisco but I wasn't sure I made it because there was still a little bit of bay between me and the City.
People who live in New York do not call San Francisco the "City."
I found out a lot this week. I hope I can write it here.
I located Julia inside me. She is tremendously vulnerable and simple; not much of her personality survived transition. I don't think she should ever be alone. I think she needs 24 hour supervision. I'm afraid I'll hurt people out of frustration.
I tried telling my therapist this but she only continued with her idea of having three visitors a week.
I met the other "members" of the Assertive Community Program at a Christmas Party. It was tremendously depressing. The others were older and not very communicative. They seemed tremendously withdrawn but I was the only one who cried. I thought it was cruel to bring us together in such a depressing manner. We had ham, scalloped potatoes, mashed potatoes; and plates of fruit and vegetables, which I did I did not eat.
There was plenty of garlic in the scalloped potatoes so I enjoyed them.
I spoke to my psychiatric nurse practitioner via video hookup and my therapist called me a he, so that's what she thinks of me. Earlier in our drive to Tillamook I was struggling with a desire to rape her, which was awful. I had these feelings because my nerve endings are the same and I liked her. I tried to care about men, which is what Sylfvisa thought of non transgender women , more than that. That is a lie. I thought about her as a woman. I can't trust myself. I did nothing to her.
So long for today. I am a her.
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