A depoliticization of fear

Trying to be feverishly focused when I need to be relaxed and communicative often interferes with my goal of accurately conveying my thoughts in a manner helpful to myself and others.

I am at the library, again. I cannot use my computer, which I just bought last week, because it is not hooked up to the internet.

Topic A for me, as usual, is my personal happiness, which is perhaps annoying to you my readers but for me is an absolute necessity, given that I have tried to survive with next to none, and have found that I CANNOT do so.

So, I'll just write what comes to mind related to the above paragraph.

As I sit here, I am aware of potential threats from others to myself and from myself to others. I am simply always aware that if I look at someone the wrong way I may suffer some unpleasant consequence. This condition in my awareness causes me to be anxious and perhaps a little withdrawn. These feelings interfere also with my feeling happy. So?

I think that perhaps this feeling of tension is purposely produced within the structure of this society in order to keep people like me (transsexuals) permanently on edge and thus unable to effectively live our lives. Perhaps this sounds paranoid. I can only cite the fact that it is much easier for non-transsexuals to ignore, blame, derogate us rather than for them to address their insecurities, which are produced within the very same society.

To me, political person that I am, the question thus becomes, in whose interest is it that these feelings are present? As usual, the answer seems to me to be anyone who benefits from the absence of the expression of love in social relationships. These are the people who are afraid of losing the face of domination, who either prefer or do not know how to reject the cold comfort of sadism -- not the fun kind -- for simply being alive. The fact that there are such people (and I have often felt that in my past I often verged over into this category) means that the need for change is still present, and still compelling those who can answer its call.

I should say here that the way I define this change is -- personal liberation. I know for myself that it is only by losing fear of myself that I have been able to work my way up to writing something like what I am writing now. The crux of personal liberation is sexual and gender liberation: when no one fears themselves or their sexual and gender impulses/identities/practices/selves, then violence and hatred must be visible and limited rather than invisible and insidiously omnipresent. That's what I hope.

Since it is better to live these changes out rather than endlessly describe them and analyze them, I will allow the pudding to be the proof.

Love,

C*

P.S. I've been seriously delinquent in being kind to others. I know what I need: friendship.
There's still a lot of fear of the world. And I can be happy.


P.P.S. Ms. CEG, thanks for being my friend the other day.