"sleeping in piles" -- a discussion

Dear Chelsea, As you know, I have had a lot of experience bedding down with various assortments of people. Some of my favorite memories are from doing so. For the past few years, however, I have been trying to escape (as I so often do) from such multiple encounters because I have been "valorizing" -- a good academic word -- sexuality that involves me with men. This has been so destructive in so many ways, yet there is always the allure of doing what is socially validated for women to do -- have sex with men. Associated with this recent tendency to couple with men have been my drug use, (crack) which makes me compulsively give blow jobs (sorry to mention this); and an attempt to be independent (stand on my own two feet) and not depend on other transsexuals or women for my self-definition. I feel that whenever I do so, especially in a two-way relationship, that there is competition and conflict about who is the "most womanly." Back to sleeping in piles. For me being with many other transsexuals at once was liberating in that I could at last feel equal and safe and equivalent to my partners. We all had something in common and that was a somewhat amorphous/fluid sense of self which did not stand up well when attempting to function within categories of gay/straight/woman/man. There are some emotions, some caresses that only a trannie is capable of, and that only that another trannie can reciprocate. When you're in a pile, love seems to have no bounds. Also, it is generally a way to lower barriers that transsexuals put up against the world to protect ourselves. We always try to hide, to disappear, and this multiple sexuality allows us to represent our full selves with a number of others like ourselves, giving strength, "confidence" and a measure of human fulfillment. The reason why it seems that multiple encounters work better than one on one encounters to achieve these goals is that the Feminine Archetype (the Goddess) is grounded in us (as transsexuals pre-op, non-op and post-op) through each of us being at once aspect and whole of the community which we make. For us to separate means to seek being "outside the herd" and lessens the divine sexual communion. I best remember, of course, Bear Mountain, when about seven, eight, or was it ten of us, were in a van at Bear Mountain State Park in New York. You and Barbie and Kelly Bishop began to "publicly demonstrate" your affections, with Kelly being the encourager of others (at least me) to join in. I can tell you that I felt that I was losing boundaries and inhibitions that kept me from being in touch with my own humanity. I was in awe of your perseverance with Barbie, and I felt gladdened to express my own sexual power with you. As the long (was it six hour) evening passed, each of us encountered every one else, and communicated love and caring in a dance of warmth and eros. The next day I remember going to "Survivors of Transsexuality Anonymous" and announcing to the group that I had been with everyone in the van and that the sex was liberating and far more helpful to me in coming out to myself than going to that twelve-step group for months with people desperately clinging to every aspect of their male identity that they could. Sexual and Gender Liberation went hand in hand, and in the one or two years afterward that our group, often changing members, encountered each other in the van, traditionally with copious amounts of marijuana, I made many acquaintances and relationships that I hoped would be life-long. I remember one evening going over the Brooklyn Bridge with K.D. Lang singing "constant craving" and thinking that I was living the epitome of love. Just two more paragraphs and I'm done. As an introduction to one's self and to communal sex, sleeping in piles is a great help. However, sometimes it can be abused when lesbian transsexuals, especially, make compulsive passes at others to join in. I think this reflects a certain lack of maturity that may dissipate with time. I learned to be the focus of one such group for a brief time, and I realized that being the mother or teacher of such a "herd" is a great responsibility, that it is a way to gain respect for oneself and others, and that it can bring into the world community where none existed prior. It is a self-run, self-originated and self-regarding way of becoming who we are. No doctors, no peer counselors, no rules or outside expectations is capable of this. I hope the above is helpful. Please e-mail me and let me know. Love, Julia