Before I get any ideas.

I don't know how I can write a less idyllic portrait of myself than I have already written.  The fact is that I am not ready to write in public about the extent and nature of violence in my life.  Suffice it to say that on Friday I was ready to spend a long time in the hospital and now I am feeling better. 

I need healing.  I may need a long time and distance away from my mother.  I wish I had the ability to see where I need to be and how I would get there. 

Since I am not very explicit here my readers can give up expecting astonishing if mind-numbingly repetitive descriptions of my mental state for the time being.



When there is something better to write I will write it.


It is healing to cook fried potatoes and eggs for breakfast.
It is hopeful to me that I am getting a better idea of the extent and nature of my illness.

It is probably the end of the line as far as troubles go.  I must AND NOW CAN let them be.

I need a hug and reassurance.  I expect to receive neither.

I was honest with one person about what happened.  Other than her I was merely reporting a disordered frame of mind, not the scary emotional bottom (that's me, an "emotional bottom") that I found. 

Maybe it will help if I tell you that many of my most puzzling traits are now in a steadier place.

I need for my mother to be safe.  So far this has all been mental, emotional and verbal.

I know I need to be hopeful.

This is scaring me more now than before.  I will say it.  I told my friend on the phone that "I cannot murder my mother; she needs kindness."  This was by way of finding my starting place.

I like being happy, this being a reason I had to write this down.

I wanted to stay at a motel on Friday night but I have no i.d. and I had no debit card due to losing them on the airplane from Portland to Phoenix.

I hate making myself afraid of peace.

Today is a better day.  I know that love is something you give, not something you have.

I have been a solipsist too long.  Please be good and be whatever is hopeful for you to be.

I love her.  I love my mother.  She is a good person.  I did not give her children.  She has a difficult time telling me she loves me.  I wanted her to call me strong when I became her daughter.

I say of my friends and relatives and anyone I know of who reads this that you are part of this world and I am also.  I need to be a part of kindness also.  To be kind means ?  I must be free to be kind without pushing the opposite.  I must choose to give.

Here:  Life is love.

Stay calm and stable for those who love you.  This means you those who dance on the edges.

I NEED TO STOP WORRYING ABOUT FAMILY AND BE PEACEFUL.  Please max out on the healing energies.

So, there is hope as I told the hotline counselor who came to visit. 

I am not inhuman nor am I unaware.  I am free.

Here's a good line:  What part of Sart/re don't you understand.

I feel love; I feel strength.  There is good in life.  Thank you for helping me know that.

I may go to Tucson as soon as I get my i.d. but that will not be until Tuesday at the earliest.

I know that I am peaceful because I work at this family.

I need help.  Where do I go?

I was going to respite care in Benson, but contrary to what they offered, they never called me.

Okay.  My mother is a woman who is strong and I am a language.  So much for understanding.

Too little work?  Too much self-involvement?  Who will want me around them now?

And be your charge.

P.S., I finally was able to explain to my mother many of my decisions that led me to be the way I am and I also explained about my relationship with Sylvia and why it was so intense and strong.

Bye for now.

P.P.S.  So happiness and peace are changing people and God is not the answer to things but rather those things themselves?  I believe that animism is possible but it is not the only way to live nor can it be.

No more lessons in morality from me.  Maybe a few tales from the crypt.

Love thy neighbor.
Honor thy father and mother.

Blessed Be,

Julia Murray