Omens rock
Drama calls me narcotic
I am sick with hamming darkness
This body asks for trust in farts (like me)
Over the rainbow
I am thinking too much about hate
Law boop keys freedom laughter
My words provoke a response from me and send me on a journey through time and change
The flip side is that I carry a crown of intellect that sees only as it chooses.
Rape stinks
Sunday, December 17, 2017
Saturday, December 16, 2017
Words to make me happy?
What I dreamt was that I was in Oakland and it was huge and modernistic with big underground train tunnels. I left my brother and took a train to San Francisco but I wasn't sure I made it because there was still a little bit of bay between me and the City.
People who live in New York do not call San Francisco the "City."
I found out a lot this week. I hope I can write it here.
I located Julia inside me. She is tremendously vulnerable and simple; not much of her personality survived transition. I don't think she should ever be alone. I think she needs 24 hour supervision. I'm afraid I'll hurt people out of frustration.
I tried telling my therapist this but she only continued with her idea of having three visitors a week.
I met the other "members" of the Assertive Community Program at a Christmas Party. It was tremendously depressing. The others were older and not very communicative. They seemed tremendously withdrawn but I was the only one who cried. I thought it was cruel to bring us together in such a depressing manner. We had ham, scalloped potatoes, mashed potatoes; and plates of fruit and vegetables, which I did I did not eat.
There was plenty of garlic in the scalloped potatoes so I enjoyed them.
I spoke to my psychiatric nurse practitioner via video hookup and my therapist called me a he, so that's what she thinks of me. Earlier in our drive to Tillamook I was struggling with a desire to rape her, which was awful. I had these feelings because my nerve endings are the same and I liked her. I tried to care about men, which is what Sylfvisa thought of non transgender women , more than that. That is a lie. I thought about her as a woman. I can't trust myself. I did nothing to her.
So long for today. I am a her.
People who live in New York do not call San Francisco the "City."
I found out a lot this week. I hope I can write it here.
I located Julia inside me. She is tremendously vulnerable and simple; not much of her personality survived transition. I don't think she should ever be alone. I think she needs 24 hour supervision. I'm afraid I'll hurt people out of frustration.
I tried telling my therapist this but she only continued with her idea of having three visitors a week.
I met the other "members" of the Assertive Community Program at a Christmas Party. It was tremendously depressing. The others were older and not very communicative. They seemed tremendously withdrawn but I was the only one who cried. I thought it was cruel to bring us together in such a depressing manner. We had ham, scalloped potatoes, mashed potatoes; and plates of fruit and vegetables, which I did I did not eat.
There was plenty of garlic in the scalloped potatoes so I enjoyed them.
I spoke to my psychiatric nurse practitioner via video hookup and my therapist called me a he, so that's what she thinks of me. Earlier in our drive to Tillamook I was struggling with a desire to rape her, which was awful. I had these feelings because my nerve endings are the same and I liked her. I tried to care about men, which is what Sylfvisa thought of non transgender women , more than that. That is a lie. I thought about her as a woman. I can't trust myself. I did nothing to her.
So long for today. I am a her.
Thursday, December 7, 2017
Overcome
Digital iteration is the opposite hell
Than Swank Nefertiti dying in my composite shell.
Glory, glory, glory in a time of surcease?
My folly's entirety is self increase.
The loss of such pursuit I fear:
My Terrorism is to make Witches clear.
I pray I am not too ill
For Love under Will.
Than Swank Nefertiti dying in my composite shell.
Glory, glory, glory in a time of surcease?
My folly's entirety is self increase.
The loss of such pursuit I fear:
My Terrorism is to make Witches clear.
I pray I am not too ill
For Love under Will.
Thursday, November 30, 2017
frustration
ill words
family thamily boobs tinkers woman
bangles grief clones death girlie
gender omens anger
Twisted cope
orgies gay money anger
Twitching lies
Monday, November 6, 2017
Attachments
Patience, I hope, is available from you today.
My mind is a soup of confused, indistinct thoughts.
At least I do not feel unstable. Yesterday was full of shakiness mentally and was very unpleasant.
Obviously I need help. I don't think an angel of compassion would be able to work through what is in my mind. I need to take my medication and not do drugs.
Pleasure of existence is not available to all and I hope you can learn that and remember that not everyone is on an equal footing when it comes to mental functioning. We need forbearance.
That said I am going to make some coffee and eat.
Perhaps you also will take care of your needs.
I would like a car.
Soon Jamie will visit me here in Oregon. I can usually communicate with her and she has a lot of healing abilities. I want to be a healer. That means I have to fight mental health workers, who nearly always lack understanding. Their theories and training are divorced from reality, benefiting only those who don't give a shit. They need a piece of my mind.
Write a good joke and make your enemies convulse with laughter. Maybe they'll learn something.
Ciao!
My mind is a soup of confused, indistinct thoughts.
At least I do not feel unstable. Yesterday was full of shakiness mentally and was very unpleasant.
Obviously I need help. I don't think an angel of compassion would be able to work through what is in my mind. I need to take my medication and not do drugs.
Pleasure of existence is not available to all and I hope you can learn that and remember that not everyone is on an equal footing when it comes to mental functioning. We need forbearance.
That said I am going to make some coffee and eat.
Perhaps you also will take care of your needs.
I would like a car.
Soon Jamie will visit me here in Oregon. I can usually communicate with her and she has a lot of healing abilities. I want to be a healer. That means I have to fight mental health workers, who nearly always lack understanding. Their theories and training are divorced from reality, benefiting only those who don't give a shit. They need a piece of my mind.
Write a good joke and make your enemies convulse with laughter. Maybe they'll learn something.
Ciao!
Tuesday, October 31, 2017
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Low-level attack
Holding to my precepts, which involve a perception of my life and my surroundings that I would like to believe values life over prejudice, I am attempting to communicate sad and painful emotions which have arisen in the course of a period of struggle with separation, collapse and foolish contact with friends with whom I have engaged in that part of criminality attached to drug (methamphetamine) use.
A little over a week ago, I declared my independence from my brother, with whom I have mostly been staying for two and a half years on the north Oregon coast, in favor of life in the small nearby town of Tillamook as a member of a drug culture. I stayed in a trailer for three days with a mother and son who were, it came to strike me, lying criminals I could not trust. I went back to my brother.
Now, however, I once again find myself filled with pain and anguish.
Chaos worries me. Order loathes me.
I do not think a catalog of aimless thoughts is what I want to convey.
I have money to buy a mobile home, where I would probably redouble my isolation but where I at least would escape my brother's emotional absence.
I know I have abilities which are not limited to incessant wallowing in pain.
To escape pain I HAVE TO ASSERT PEACE. I do not see how submitting to a psychiatric work regimen reflects my values or needs. Still I must work. I chose to eat a dinner presented to me in the lobby of my former apartment building as a humiliation by Tracy, the woman I have shared meth with for the last four months. I did not stand up for myself then. Is there still a possibility that -- no, I am all words.
The cops stupefy me.
There's god in my body. My family works.
A little over a week ago, I declared my independence from my brother, with whom I have mostly been staying for two and a half years on the north Oregon coast, in favor of life in the small nearby town of Tillamook as a member of a drug culture. I stayed in a trailer for three days with a mother and son who were, it came to strike me, lying criminals I could not trust. I went back to my brother.
Now, however, I once again find myself filled with pain and anguish.
Chaos worries me. Order loathes me.
I do not think a catalog of aimless thoughts is what I want to convey.
I have money to buy a mobile home, where I would probably redouble my isolation but where I at least would escape my brother's emotional absence.
I know I have abilities which are not limited to incessant wallowing in pain.
To escape pain I HAVE TO ASSERT PEACE. I do not see how submitting to a psychiatric work regimen reflects my values or needs. Still I must work. I chose to eat a dinner presented to me in the lobby of my former apartment building as a humiliation by Tracy, the woman I have shared meth with for the last four months. I did not stand up for myself then. Is there still a possibility that -- no, I am all words.
The cops stupefy me.
There's god in my body. My family works.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)