Empire

A bomb drinks Mommy.

Unclear.

The original thought(s) I had were ill.  These include pain failure Sartre war and krack.
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Self-harm via negative thoughts about myself and my life have been a major part of this blog.

A father who is a writer and a philosopher is my doppelgänger.  I search for majority and domination in the thoughts of great philosophers like Sartre and Hegel.

There is a bitch in my mommy:  a projection.

A goddamn moose equals black.

My father was a soldier and had the philosophy of a soldier.  He believed in getting things done quickly and efficiently in an organized way.

I never chose where I put things.  I just left them on the floor for a later that never came.  I still do.  However, for the first time in my life I have arranged those of my books that are unpackaged in alphabetical order by author in the three categories of fiction, non-fiction and poetry.

This droning is a very dull self therapy.  That much I can tell you.

I have produced a numb person.

My goddamn world thinks about my hope for broads.

Maybe the reality (and Being and Nothingness is, it turns out, a non-realist philosophy) acts too much Bruce-like.

I have asked the Goddess to inspire my words.  This is not what I have expected.

On the horizon, all fag moments .  One more sickness to address.

I miss all the artists like Maureen Anderson I used to know.

The trees and mountains here are so green.  I enjoy them.

I love the sound of the surf across the way in the middle of the night while I am smoking.

Bob bob bob bob.

The moment and change

Omens rock
Drama calls me narcotic
I am sick with hamming darkness

This body asks for trust in farts (like me)

Over the rainbow

I am thinking too much about hate

Law boop keys freedom laughter

My words provoke a response from me and send me on a journey through time and change

The flip side is that I carry a crown of intellect that sees only as it chooses.

Rape stinks

Words to make me happy?

What I dreamt was that I was in Oakland and it was huge and modernistic with big underground train tunnels.  I left my brother and took a train to San Francisco but I wasn't sure I made it because there was still a little bit of bay between me and the City.

People who live in New York do not call San Francisco the "City."

I found out a lot this week.  I hope I can write it here.

I located Julia inside me.  She is tremendously vulnerable and simple; not much of her personality survived transition.  I don't think she should ever be alone.  I think she needs 24 hour supervision.  I'm afraid I'll hurt people out of frustration.

I tried telling my therapist this but she only continued with her idea of having three visitors a week.

I met the other "members" of the Assertive Community Program at a Christmas Party.  It was tremendously depressing.  The others were older and not very communicative.  They seemed tremendously withdrawn but I was the only one who cried.  I thought it was cruel to bring us together in such a depressing manner.  We had ham, scalloped potatoes, mashed potatoes; and plates of fruit and vegetables, which I did I did not eat.

There was plenty of garlic in the scalloped potatoes so I enjoyed them.

I spoke to my psychiatric nurse practitioner via video hookup and my therapist called me a he, so that's what she thinks of me.  Earlier in our drive to Tillamook I was struggling with a desire to rape her, which was awful.  I had these feelings because my nerve endings are the same and I liked her.  I tried to care about men, which is what Sylfvisa thought of non transgender women , more than that.  That is a lie.  I thought about her as a woman.  I can't  trust myself.  I did nothing to her.

So long for today.  I am a her.

Overcome

Digital iteration is the opposite hell
Than Swank Nefertiti dying in my composite shell.

Glory, glory, glory in a time of surcease?
My folly's entirety is self increase.

The loss of such pursuit I fear:
My Terrorism is to make Witches clear.

I pray I am not too ill
For Love under Will.

frustration

ill words

family thamily boobs tinkers woman

 bangles grief clones death girlie

gender omens anger

Twisted cope

orgies gay money anger

Twitching lies

Attachments

Patience, I hope, is available from you today.

My mind is a soup of confused, indistinct thoughts.

At least I do not feel unstable.  Yesterday was full of shakiness mentally and was very unpleasant.

Obviously I need help.  I don't think an angel of compassion would be able to work through what is in my mind.  I need to take my medication and not do drugs.

Pleasure of existence is not available to all and I hope you can learn that and remember that not everyone is on an equal footing when it comes to mental functioning.  We need forbearance.

That said I am going to make some coffee and eat.

Perhaps you also will take care of your needs.

I would like a car.

Soon Jamie will visit me here in Oregon.  I can usually communicate with her and she has a lot of healing abilities.  I want to be a healer.  That means I have to fight mental health workers, who nearly always lack understanding.  Their theories and training are divorced from reality, benefiting only those who don't give a shit.  They need a piece of my mind.

Write a good joke and make your enemies convulse with laughter.  Maybe they'll learn something.

Ciao!

Pain bores me with butter, roses and bombs

Through the looking glass