I am a bitch -- a reinforcement

I am making a feebleness of myself by not writing what I need. Instead of direct expression of my feelings and observations, there is tension, sadness, muffled and broken urges to act or communicate strongly and decisively.

Change is the means that fate uses to distinguish its friends from its opponents. In other words, those who fight change are also fighting fate. I have not only to accede to change but allow it to make of me what it will. Change will either make of my inertia a residual burnt detritus or I will ally myself with its force and bring into the world something that must be new to be better.

Change cries out to me, say what is in you. I know that pain is only the surface covering of its energy.

What is in me?

There are strong feelings: [How to link the strong, the free, the happy and the good within and without me.]

Whenever fear engulfs me with its tension and its destruction I can only spend the love I have on making it into a way to know that hell for me is only the feeling of being a nonentity, a “nothing.”

A little bit of information may instruct the reader in what I am saying about myself and the world I live in.

For everyone that I know who has given me love and succor (not sucker, THOUGH THAT AS WELL) I have made obstacles and inapposite analyses, reactions, and emotional and physical relationships with me.

By that abstruse writing I mean that the Goddess has seemed to make my life into a way of feeling like a drug addict. It has all been a long and frustrating and wasteful enterprise.

This means that fairness and justice in all their attractive and hopeful sway of so many becomes only one more way to know that the way I have made for myself is only a test. What may I have done with all the lovely material of life? I have made it an opaqueness that at this moment drives me to assert that feelings of kindness and affection must be the prime mover (primum mobile?) of any attempt to give respect to oneself or others. Absent kindness and affection, every attempt to bring change will end collapsed in a mockery, a very horrible parody of ineffective will and lack of regard for what human beings must have to know themselves as one with their siblings and the universe that has brought them forth.

I have known myself to be one who wishes to be remembered, but who does not have the strength it takes to deserve praise for my life. In fact I believe that for my actions I deserve to die.

The only facts that I can adduce for this conclusion are that I have used transgendered women, then abandoning them to lives of needless powerlessness, and arrogating myself above them. This makes me a danger to others’ survival, which means that I must face my demise with dreadful acceptance of its deservedness.

What is it about me that has brought this about?

It has been cowardice, it has been misrepresentation, it has been hate and prejudice.

Thanks to a belated knowledge of the preeminence of humane actions over adherence to some set of either traditional or newly emerging conservative norms around gender, I have to be, for myself, a witness to a useless self-development without regard for the well-being of others (usually).

I must embrace myself, though be it that I am a target of my own tensions. People need to know that my way of doing my life was for itself, seemingly rational given the way I am, that is to say, abusive.

It is not possible to suppress being abusive. One can only face the destruction one wreaks and ascribe it to it some level of human imperfection that does not change the results of one’s actions.

Clearly, there is much that I have done that I deceived myself into thinking was for the betterment of myself and others.

For instance, I actually thought that political definitions of love and gender were rational and not a way to disguise an abusive nature.

I treated myself and others as bearers of an imperative to make power and the hunger for power the center of the transgendered woman’s existence. Sounds funny in retrospect!!!!

I feel that simply said I am a bitch.

Know that fairness and equity are within the very nature of the universe; all that is done will come to light and face judgment by the Goddess’ ut most kindness. Those who have not acted kindly will have constructed their own punishment within themselves or in their environs. I am a loser, crackhead, stuck up and terrible person who has probably not ever known for myself what love is or honestly given it to another.

That is why my fate is not of interest.

Enjoy.