Clear as (a) (b)/(h)ell(e)(?)

Snarkety snark snark!



Welcome to today's commentary!



I've been meaning not to be too very forthcoming about the motivations and criteria/desiderata? behind the making of those plans that I seem endlessly to make. But reality is what it is and perhaps getting this out there will help me be more certain and better prepared than otherwise.



Please someone turn the volume down, I can't hear what's in my heart! Thank you!



Should I go to New York, there are two scenarios.



First, I throw myself right back into crack smoking without regard for my finances or my health/life, and return to the world of street/bar prostitution. My money runs out within a month or two, and I'm stranded, perhaps without a place to go.



Second, I use the time that I have to search for work/try to impress someone that my writing is good enough to hire me to at least proofread/copyedit some sort of material in their publication, or perhaps good enough to itself publish. Realistically in this economy and with my social skills/interview skills, I'd be lucky to find anything. So, along with this, I would have to declare myself solidly middle class, meaning that I eschew anything/position/person that interferes with my standing on an equal footing with possible employers/clients. Yes, I said clients, because part of this "middle-classness" includes being a whore. It's not going away. I may just have to hide behind something more or less legitimate. In this scenario, any crack smoking is just an occasional reward for a career moving more or less smoothly.



Now, realistically, what may be coming is a mixture of the two. For I lack the organizational/social skills needed to carry the second one off effectively and totally. At least I believe that I have finally found ways to be more assertive, to be less shackled by my past dependent relationship on my father.



This brings me to my current relationship with my mother, which is becoming more and more dependent for both of us. Though I often feel she is trying to push me out of this nest I've sometimes befouled, and I feel that our emotional lives together reflect a certain marginalization and uselessness for me even within my family (-- as one of my doctors asked me, "What are you doing here?"), I recognize that perhaps what I need to do first and foremost is learn to take care of her. This would seriously curtail/put on hold some of my hopes and dreams -- "negative" and positive. But I would be doing my job as her daughter. But would I fuck up? Would she give me the freedom and responsibility necessary to do what I woiuld need to do. And why is it that I am giving up my freedom to her to begin with? NONE of my mother's friend's adult daughters live with them, no matter how advanced in age or declining in health the mothers are. As usual it seems what people are asking from me and what they are hoping from me are two very different things, and to me, El Stupido c*, it is very confusing to sort out which is which.



I need to let my mother know that I will always be her daughter.

I need to embrace her every day.



I need her to know I feel strong and capable and worthy of success, i.e., happiness and safety, right now.



I need her to believe in me.



I need to remember that despite some pleasant moments we've shared that I've been very bad to her. Rude, disparaging, sharp. I have not treated her as I would myself, or rather I have treated myself, the part of myself that is her, as I have treated her: badly.



The fact is that I have been so afraid to be nice. I do know I love her. I have to love her enough not to be in any more danger, or at least not to be caught in any more danger: not do anything I can't prevail in. I need her to know that, due to a lack of faith in myself and the Goddess, I do not feel good about myself and perhaps never will, that this is as good as it gets, so I need to act on my freedom and be my own person.



I think she knows that I need her.



I think she knows that she is my hope. Perhaps I have to be hers also.



I need to speak to someone who can help me sort through all this, because I know she's going to find out what I am. I hope that she doesn't make me feel bad. I hope that she will believe that I love her. I might not.



I hope she knows that I am the woman I wanted to be.



I need to start making the home that she has made for me.



(Wherever and whenever I am.)



Maybe I want her to know I can be happy without her.



But that's not the fear that I have.



The fear is that I will never be her lover.

So now you know I'm either incredibly self-aware or very sick.

I need to be the thread that takes me to my destiny: a kleised pen.

I'm not going to say what is happening.


I am the only person that I can give love to, withoiut there being a her.

I cn give without people hruting me.

I am a friend but not the Goddess' daughter.

I feel like a biitch but not the way I wanted to.

I love the Goddess.

no more selfishness

no more.

i'll go where she wants me to go.