Mortality on the Thirteenth of June

Today is the fifth anniversary of my father’s death.

Feelings include: dismay (that the effects he had on my life are continuing); sadness (I wish everything were different); remorse (not sharing with him more on the intellectual level, which I know he longed for); anger and a corresponding determination to live.

My mother and I nearly went to Applebee’s after visiting his gravesite at the Veterans Cemetery this morning and propping up a large floral white and red cross against the headstone.

It was too early for them to be open.

I still don’t understand the necessity to feel like I am crying .

Anger does not feel happy. I have to work through it, according to the opinions/theories of my more emotionally developed friends.

Somehow I’ll be free.



Note: feelings are very much stuck (and tough to have).

I want to feel everything.

I want to be every thing.

I am still hopeful.

Maybe if the universe pours me out instead of me pouring it out, this will go better.


Feelings are wrapped tightly.

I am a terrorist and I want to live.

Any suggestions?