Aunt Julia

I have had a craving in my mind to give something that anybody with senses of patience would realize as a clobbering [to myself or someone else?].

Now let us examine the above sentence. I started with the thought only of a craving in my mind and proceeded by nothing but vague inclinations from a place I do not yet know to finish a description of what that craving is, was or could be. Now I realize that having said this that the sentence remains highly irritating to anyone expecting sense from a writing. For one, what difference or what sense does it make that there may be someone -- a reader -- with better understanding than I have who would read the sentence, particularly the word something (and how would any reader who has no knowledge of me deploy (what a very French usage) such a judgment of "something" in the manner of a realization that something being a clobbering)? And what is a clobbering? This is a word used mainly in what it has come to mean to me by a certain CEG. This clobbering, which I claim requires patience to realize is the something I mentioned, is rooted in physical "beating up" but has come to acquire for me a further emotional and mental meaning of a confrontation, of forced correction which it would benefit me to apply to myself voluntarily or accept from someone else, originally CEG, so as to direct me on the right track.

Aunt Julia is someone who represents or represented, at least to me, a whole set of social and personal expectations of which the first sentence that I wrote is a representation, however "oblique," that may provide a clue as to who and what I, who possibly was Aunt Julia, actually am.

Training myself to be a woman resulted only in my being a matter for other people's amusement, though at least somewhat affectionate amusement. I am Aunt Julia in that I was the mate of one SR, whose position as mother of the entire community left a gap (me) that had to have a name. I was sort of mate of the community by being mate of SR, but at the same time I was still goofy crazy me, so there had to be a label that with proper irony placed me at her side yet left me a kind of individuality.

I hope somehow to allow whoever may read this to know that I am perfectly aware of all the inaccuracy and uselessness of what I have said. I am grateful for a Mother's Day that appears to have some element of placidity and relaxation. I am happy that I am alive. I don't need to struggle at this very moment with all the great (to me) decisions I have to make.

I do not mean to have lost the thread of the craving in my mind. What it truly is, is the need to be. Hopefully that is not the exact same thing as a clobbering.

N.B. Only one person, CL, a friend of SR, has ever actually called me "Auntie Julia."