Nota Bene

(One) I know(s) not the interior landscape's manner of producing my personality's presence for others.  All I know is that it is dangerous and futile and destructive to separate interior from exterior.

Illness proceeds from disturbances that support or cause interior weakness, that block an awareness of what to do in the face of exterior events, which may be as mundane as the necessity of getting up in the morning, or, what is not so different, the relationship with the whole of the universe.

Estrogen certainly stabilized and heightened some of the routes to effective linking of self and its actions in the world, though it obviously somewhat depressed my mood -- apart from its aid to a feminine appearance.

Somehow when I let go of being angry, I am able to be stronger.  I don't know why so much fear seems to begin with pain.  The pain is the pain of reaching a stabler existence at the expense of interior life.  I love feeling as if I am a planet of my own, full of weird landscapes, ecologies that grow and affect each other in unexpected and delightful ways, illuminating thoughts like lightning on a volcano, or a sunrise in the west.  Of course I am not that interesting but the tendrils and varying scopes of being alive to myself are what bring together dreams of an ideal, loving pleasurable existence and the means of reaching for that existence in the world:  the means of survival of both who I am to myself and who I might be in the realm that everybody for some reason recognizes as real.

At least there is the beauty of giving love even when answers to the most urgent and powerful of questions are unavailable or unforthcoming.

Out Loud:  I know when you are making things peaceful by the fact that you believe what you do is open to inspection, is full of kindness and good intent and is productive of social life -- bringing people together having elicited for each of us what is best about us and each other.

And now I hope that your beliefs in change will bear fruit.

I think that the part of me that rejected that part of your activity was intolerance of a light touch, of hopefulness, of anything not tough and cynical.

Since there's nothing that was nourishing in that, I must no longer stay separate to the extent possible in these later times.