Gossipy, Judgmental, Fierce

A few words to the wise.

I have long attempted to make myself an example of a non-destructive way to approach the world. Unfortunately that attempt has resulted in my being apparently opaque, unreachable, distant, overbearing and noxious. People make this clear to me by their reactions to me.

How did this happen. Well, I thought that it was better to keep anger within and to restrain oneself rather than attempt to get one's way through perhaps more honest and healthy tactics of dominating others through guile, violence, aggressive words and actions. I thought that independence and autonomy meant controlling oneself. Now, it is clear that not only was I naive, I was leaving myself open to acting precisely the way I was trying to avoid, that my aggressions would find a back door. And they have.

It's better to acknowledge one's errors, mistakes, misjudgments and flaws.

I will not blame myself for my life, however, for if one looks closer, one will find that given the models I've had, the isolation I've faced, and the aggression that has been directed at me, it is not surprising that I've attempted to hide my "true face" from others for fear of being hurt. Now I will say that people have attempted for years to get me to be "out" as a personality and not just as a "gender" person. That is true. However, those people have at times also been bullies and certainly at least on the surface have talked about others behind their back, elicited negative comments, etc.

I have no doubt that it is better for me that I not pursue the course that I've pursued because apparently the only person I'm damaging is me.

I AM STRONG. I AM HAPPY. I AM PRESENT.

I promise not to make any more comments that adversely portray other peoople or myself.

I fucked up.

Yours,

c*mare