View My Ass

Crude but counterproductive?

Law belongs to the best that life lets create peace.

This begs the question, what is the best?

All people have a right to evaluate, choose, dismiss, and petition their lawmakers at will.

I had a sex change so that OTHER PEOPLE would be able to say, "this is my friend."

This desire to fit in with the norms of others was a powerful determinant of practically everything I did.

I now can say that I am going to address the aspects of this change that involve personal self-acceptance.  I must say I thought I had already done this years and years ago. 

A.  I made my life worse by not being free as a martyr.  I made myself worse by being a martyr, period.

B.  I thought that knowing how to be feminine was the only freedom that I would have, so I made myself the only believer in myself as lover, as woman, as dreamer and creatrix of dreams, as peace"bringer" and authority and, as limited, as free, as self-maker, as self-judge, as powerholder, as happy, active, directed, decisionmaking and as social existent.  No one else might believe in me, or might not believe in me, as might be:  I was the outer limit of myself -- a final manifestation of solipsism I had learned from the philosophies of Hegel and Sartre.

C.  I remember that I was loved by others.  I remember that no one forced my decision.  I know that I was happy in my decision in the immediate aftermath of my "emergence," largely because I could "at last" recognize myself visually and in my somatic and erotic self-perception.  However, I had not distinguished between my being and the knowledge of self that others brought me.  Solipsism had no independence, ironically, to make decisions, because I did not have any boundaries except those which seemed part of ME.  I had decided that I was a woman.  I had decided to have a sex change.  But I did that within the absolutism of the ill-defined/absorbed emotional and mental infancy of myself.  I had intimations of myself as an individual over the course of years, having had my attention drawn to the necessity of self-acceptance by others, but it is only now that I can say for myself, that this is Julia Brigid Murray, who is due such and such rights and must act accordingly.

D.

Don't think that I am cruel.  I only wish to make you see that no one can ever be the only source of self, whether divine or mundane.  I answer to life.  I answer to myself.  I answer to those who care for me.  I do not love my belief in peace BECAUSE it has made me foolish.

E.  Everything that is beautiful is also free.  Everything that is free is also beautiful -- I believe I must add.  Make threads of love and kindness, not disdain and cruelty.

F.  Past the need for money, I know that there is humanity, which money will never express or contain.  Maximum of money is death!

G.  Poetics must dream beautiful and troubled existences.  I resemble yet do not create my own hopes.  They are present for me yet are dependent upon a makeup of myself that I cannot say is entirely self-willed.  There is will of myself.  It is not an absolute self, except to the part of me that needs to believe in patience (possibly the best part of me).

H.  Having read this, please offer an accommodation to the reality of others, whomsoever and howsoever you may choose to do so.

I.  Laughter will begin.

J.  Jests, Jesters, Kings, Queens, Whores and Knaves are bringing about the new dispensation, which is also the old dispensation.

K.  Thank you.