Bucket List

Some of this is fanciful, some of it is doable.  Of course, being psychotic, I can't tell the difference.  Maybe you will help.

Lifespan:  I wish to live longer than my mother, long enough to learn and transmit what I learn to others, but not so long that I am either a) alone or b) a helpless invalid.

Mindwise:  I wish to organize my thoughts and emotions in a way so that I can be beneficial to others.  I wish to be able to support people in their endeavors when I can, and at least not interfere in other people's activities unless they are obviously hurting themselves.  Obviously this requires knowing the difference between harm and not harm.  This is one of the more difficult distinctions for me.  I wish to be able to say with evidence that I have accumulated in my own life what makes me happy, what helps me live with myself and others, what is good for me and others, and what is not.  I wish to be able to know the relationship among justice, happiness, good and being true to yourself and also honest. 

Intellectually:  I would like to be able to contribute at some feasible level to the practice and knowledge of a) literature, b) politics and society (in a way that fosters change for transsexuals, the mentally ill, the poor ) -- meaning knowing what change is and involves, which I am not sure is ever going to happen, c) philosophy.

Spiritually:  I would like to be aware of matters of the spirit and how to cultivate it within me, without being totally self-absorbed in navel-gazing.  This is also a "challenge," (sorry to use that word) for me.  Know what love under will means.

Peoplewise:  I would like not to be disturbing, unless it's not in a destructive way.  Sometimes I feel that people learn from me when I am outrageous, or morose or manic.  I don't know.  Maybe I'll never know, since no one ever bothers to tell me.  I would like friends I can rely on who can rely on me who understand that just because I may have disagreements with them and say so doesn't mean that I hate their guts, but only that I am trying to be honest or I am simply trying to convey positions or ideals that make sense to me, even though they may not make sense to others.  I am trying to know what life is all about, and sometimes I have made mistakes.  Not be a racist.  Not be a sexist.  Not hate authority just because it's there, but not turn to mindless appeasement/co-operation.  Find and give love.

Books in general:  Read all of the books I have.  Understand the changes of culture that have taken place around the world over the last 5,000 years.  Understand the precursors of the modern, the modern, and what is happening contemporarily.

Music:  Go to a concert somewhere sometime.  Write a song.  Listen to music and remember the words. 

Emotions:  Become more or less stable and aware of the kindness that others have shown me.

Languages:  Learn a language.

Places:  Go to Europe again.  Visit Ireland and England.  Maybe study/travel, if possible.  Visit New England, the Northwest.

Parachuting:  Not.

Guns:  Not.

Cars:  Have one.

Relatives:  Visit those who may be supportive.  Know my own culture and why it's so different from other people's, so part of the formerly normal culture without being entirely identical to it.  Write about that.  Write about my immediate family, about growing up in the military in Arizona.

Writing:  Write something more extensive and better and more grounded intellectually, spiritually and emotionally than I have up to now.

Housing:  Have my own place.

Orgasms.  Have one again.

Health and Drugs.  Not hurt myself or anyone else.  Possibly means total abstinence.

Politics:  Not be in a cocoon.  But know that without love (under will) 'tis but the tinkling of a bell.
Write about women in "socialism."  Communicate working class values without hating myself.

Pets:  I'd love them.

Food:  Try new food. 

Work:  Find work that doesn't kill me that I don't kill.

Friends:  Ditto.  ("Kill" being a figure of speech.)

Show respect, live accordingly.  Follow my bliss OUT of the dark mire.

Learn, practice magic.  Believe.

Love NYC.

Poetry, strength, freedom, beauty, are everywhere.  Remember that.  Act accordingly.

Okay, enough for now.  I grow tired.