Claws
Therewith and heretofore withal many artists seek nothing but a lot of patience from el patron the grand boss de dentro. I really wanted to like myself to be nothing/something? loved. I dealt this need for myself to be happy when I was listening to the others who wished my life to stop needing change. I do not care if you are nuts. I only wish you woiuld be family as you need to be to be loving.
I have no clue what I wanted. I have no idea what I thought was going to be good for me. I know I cannot stand making this fail. I have tried to be loving toward myself. I cannot do so without being loving toward Chelsea and Nathan. Perhaps I need to give up taking myself so roughly and satirically and drunkenly. No one who needs love needs god. I know you like me because if you didn't you would be in trouble because I would be alive and you would be nothing as you wished.
That is a terrible thing to say. I said it because if I didn't it wouldn't be clear to ME what the problem is. Ultimately I hold the reins on my own life. I wish that the women that I thought of there in N.Y. had the life I dreamed of having, which was, yes, that of someone with good in their thoughts.
Selflessly I have toiled into the night wondering what in the world would happen if I simply gave up being alive. I do not know what it is to live for a lot of being. I thought that inside I was flush with life. I am not particularly in the mood to be cruel. I wish to be thought of as a person who has been free. I told people to be thoughtful. Not then, lately, especially my mother. I cannot ask you who do not believe in everything that I struck myself to believe (god is a nothing, I am a part of pain, life is thoughtful as a shark) to be the only person who knows what there is to be loving for. I am not that person. I wish I coiuld communicate the love I have. I wish I could embrace he who belonged in love with his family??? or perhaps empire. I have the idea that he was a fine person. I have the idea that I will never be able to give him what he deserved. (Thinking and beauty and softness (well, he wouldn't want that)). It is scary to be another foul crook. I am only here because I didn't want anybody to think of me as a clod.'
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No one stop breathing. No one start lashing out violently.
I wish only to be thoughtful, not to be cruel but for the safety of knowledge in this fierce and hateful time. I have been lost in anger. I have been lost in stupidity. I know you will believe me when I say that nothing will ever make me safe if I have nothing but pain.
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]Please allow me to act as if I am strong. I know I can be around here; I wish I could be in touch with the people with whom I shared life.
BTW, "dis" and "dat" are not necessarily racist locutions or attributions. II had one moment of knowledge that perhaps someone might take offense but the words came to me out of a place that did nnot feel malicious and was in fact a fairly gentle source of thought.
"Dis" is not God. (though that is one of his names I do believe) and "dat" is not anger, though that woiuld be the case were I to allow it. I suppose I have more than a touch of arrogance in me. I have been struggling with that because it seems to me that if you do in fact need to be an aristocrat of the mind, body or elsehow that it not become a death sentence or a source of ostracism and despair.
Thank you for knowing what is thoughtful. I have been reading from a volume of contemporary poetry troday, contemporary going back to the early part of the 20th century. There is nothing I like better than some of that poetry. Still I wish that I could be as skilled with language and expression as those of earlier eras. I also read some poetry of the English Romantic "movement," clearly a source of so much that is both good and awful that I have faced in this attempt of mine to be a writer.
I have to learn to set my own expectations, I suppose.
And now I will make this party creative. There was a long time ago someone who thought of life as a beautiful and kind free entity. Now I know this was a reflection of the kind of person I was then and I wish I still was. Somehow I will make this better. Somehow I will enjoy what there is to be for me.
If I ever return to some form of civilization, despite the hatefulness and violent thinking I have displayed, I will make love to life as I know I can -- with honesty and peacefulness.
Thank you for believing in this writing enough to get to the end.
Always in touch,
Mightily "colorfully" Yours,
Julia (Birgita X)
P.S., after going over this I can tell that I have not said as much as I thought I Idid. I saw that the Goddess seeks out those who are soft and peaceful. I have little of that left, especially in the general direction of those who I thought were trying to reach "up" to me. Perhaps I need just to be more friendly to the Goddess' peoples. She knows that all who desire her will find her. I desire her. She believed in my freedom.
JBXM
Blessed Be
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