Love is Entering Me

I find what I wrote below very alarming.

Shattered, fragmented, self-loathing.

I know there is more to me and to my life than that or I wouldn't be able to do what I do every day, which includes not just obsessive thought but taking care of myself physically and learning to know what it is I need to do to put fulfillment in life into practice.

I fear dealing with life. I've said that.

No one who cares about doing the best they can can do anything but worry seeing all the failure and misery there is in the world. Of course this is a direct route to exactly such failure and misery.

I'm tired of going on like this.

I feel that there is good, I just can't like helping people because they appear to me to be overly vulnerable, incompetent, hateful and sometimes responsible for their own suffering. That's the judgment I render. I'm sure it has something to do with my upbringing, etc., etc. It probably applies equally to my life.

Move on.

I would like to elucidate for myself the relationship between personal choice and social consequences. I believe that society is built to obscure and eliminate personal choice. If all you can do is what is acceptable, then there is no choice.

I love feeling like I understand, like I can act on some portion of reality and that it will move in some manner beneficial to all.

I live in a delusory world. I do know that given the fact that life is but a shadow, as so many have asserted, that I really wish to do nothing except attract love (of whatever kind) and return it (if possible). The way I intend to do this is to be as lovable as possible in appearance, manner, personality, etc. I think I'm going to mostly fail as I am both too intelligent and too obnoxious to attract love in this way. I think I'm going to continue to write about subjects which interest me, such as philosophy, literature, language, social mores, and find little or no audience for my thoughts. I think that pursuing such "shadow" activities will eventually put me in the way of meeting people with "common" interests such that I will find a lover(s).

I find this to be sad, because I think I belong in the spotlight, not in the hidden recesses of the blogosphere and of S.V., AZ.

Speaking (writing) plainly, I am trying to answer my doubts and worries by downplaying them. I am also trying to show that there is a fair amount of kindness that can still make this shuddering, shaken world a palatable place to live.

I am creative (in a way).


I hope you will visit me in spirit and give me succor in your own way as I will try to do in mine.

Please know that feelings of kindness always are there because there's mothers (without respect to gender) in this world.

It's always rewarding to put down words that stand in some relationship to the facts. This is reason enough to write. I'd teach you to do the same, but who needs a broken-down, unstable person like me? I do. Maybe some of you will find you do also. Be happy. You deserve it.

To me: Don't try so hard to teach yourself to live. Lastly, give glamor. It'll cheer you up and maybe others also.

Blessed Be,


c*mare