Where am I?

I'm sitting in my former bedroom which became my father's TV/computer "den" when I left and apparently was never coming back in the manner in which my parents expected me, which was, I believe, "ready to begin real life."

Now I sleep here on the two-seater couch because this is where my laptop has its attachment to the cable and so it is here I can go to sleep to music.

I am listening to Brazilian jazz on AOL radio.

This morning I wrote a long note to a friend of mine of the '80s whom I recently contacted through facebook. He wanted to know what "moves me" since I had said I'm heartily tired of politics. I started writing about anger, fear, hatred, etc., etc. Then I concluded by saying it was better than I thought. He hasn't e-mailed me back yet.

In response to President Obama's support for the ground zero mosque, I at first danced around the issue and then came down on the side of my asking my mother why is it i feel the way I do. She said she didn't know. I told her I would "figure it out." She said I'd better do it soon.

I feel better now, having had a shower.

I've been reading Emerson. The man is brilliant and provocative and spiritual, but very very oriented toward the intellect and the life of the world being reflective of the presence of God. He rejects paganism EXCEPT in comparison to Christianity that degrades itself into obeisance before the life of Christ instead of seeing God within oneself. I find this a very interesting challenge to my beliefs, and it's driving me to go around in circles as I usually do when I read anything of the sort. Maybe I simply ought to stop reading?

Historically speaking, it just goes to show that the "new" ideas of today only seem new because of the orthodox suppressing or discouraging access to these ideas. People are hungry for something different and they are beginning to find it. This seems to me to be more profound than yearnings for social justice without spiritual roots. I believe therre are such roots, but they hardly ever emerge in an explicit fashion.

I used to believe that African polytheism was a fascinating possible answer to my own individual needs. I now know that I have to respect both myself and others by not absorbing it and being absorbed by it but rather know the influences that go into my own makeup and understanding that there is something there that is beautiful of itself, both within those influences and in relationship to loving Nature (kind and loving Nature).

I believe that much of the preaching done in "Black" churches does preserve the old African values in a variation necessary in and peculiar to this country. i also believe I need to release some of my anti-God bigotry in order to feel comfortable with what it offers.

I lived in a Black church in East New York for several months several years ago and I became aware that the sermons were a means to resist definitioins of God that dehumanized and destroyed people, that didn't recognize the humanity of every person. During one of these sermons I walked out because the preacher seemed to be implying that one had to worship God and I felt that as one who worshipped the Divine Feminine that I couldn't go along with that implication despite all the truth that the preacher was offering. My problem was and has been that I view other forms of worship as lesser because I want to grasp at beauty rather than let it be what it is where it is.

I needed to have acknowledged his beauty.

I'm changing to freekdom because I am a fool AND because change brings hope.

Honestly, I need to know that what I sought for my life is loving and within the bounds of human nature, and that it is a source of joy in this universe and for me.

I wanted to treat myself as a woman so that other people would be themselves.

I think that my beneficent motivation does not sufficiently take into account the fact that being oneself is up to each of us individually, WITHIN the encouraging environment that may offer itself when others have taken those steps.

It is here that I need to thank my community, especially those I have known for years as strong models, not, I know now, to imitate, but rather to learn from. These include ALL of the Sally's girls, their predecessors and the new generations of them, as well as ALL of the MGN women so dedicated to finding a way of life that would allow them to fully express their individualities. I would like to name Chelsea, Sylvia, Rusty, Barbie, Felicia, Randi, Gina Germaine, Jesse Torres, Dorian Corey, Sally, Giselle, Vivian, Antonia, Julissa, Julie and Liz. Also there were many many others not necessarily transgendered who have encouraged me, including RW, JKH, NS and other new and old friends. And lastly I would like to thank Reality, whom I met somewhere around 9th Avenue and 45th Street.

It's okay. Thank you!