Put it on my tab

Reading my last post helped me realize that what I write may seem confusing and even scary to people who read it.

I don't do much to provide a background to my ideas or my way of expressing them. I don't feel responsible for explaining everything or reassuring you that I am not simply a wild-eyed maniac dropping firecrackers into the oil-ridden pool of the human consciousness.

The fact is that some of my thinking simply really is disconnected not only from others, but even internally. This is in part a result of isolation and in part a result of inner fragmentation which I am trying to heal by writing whatever it is these fragments have to them that are separating them from each other. That is why I might, as I did the day before yesterday, say that I'm cruel to my mother, then write, "I change." Just the expression of the problem (this is the theory) helps me feel the underlying emotion and allows me to gain the perspective that makes possible a conscious effort at changing the reality of the "external" life I'm living.

What I'm really doing is following free-association techniques to their conclusion. With my understanding that order arises from chaos, which I take from some creation myths I'm aware of along with personal observation of myself and society, I put some aspects of myself into the world. In addition to providing a kind of instant reality check, I then get to see these fragments for what they are. In addition I use them as a map to other emotions/life incidents that may provide further understanding and integration. I believe that within me there is already integration that I simply need to uncover and relate to the rest of what there is, and that will provide a way to break out of isolation, self-loathing and fear, and emerge into a better way of living that works for me.

I'm trying to be my own therapist because only I know and feel my emotions. My therapist does not. I see other people as providing input and insight into this process but ultimately I have to be the one making the changes.

Process is something of a dirty word for me since it usually covers up conflicting elements which are making exactly the opposite happen of what the process is claimed to do. This is true especially of "peace processes" which generally are a cover for the war they supposedly trying to end and of most other processes, internally and externally, that someone proclaims is or is trying to achieve some good. It's a sort of Nazi/Orwellian doublespeak consequent from the identification of authority as the agent of change. Like the police beating up Rodney King were in the process of administering justice.

The instant reality behind the process that I refer to in second to the last paragraph is: (?) I try to know creation as knowledge. And it isn't knowledge. Back to the drawing board.

Many changes are within an awareness of the fact that I am desexualizing feelings.

I think this is a good stopping point because I really need to think about that one.

Perhaps I can let it be for now.

Words that describe where I'm at:

me, friend, hope.