Great Walls of Pain

I apologize to you for deluging you with negative descriptions of myself and my life. It is not only untoward of me to write obsessively and slanderously about me but it is rude and probably demoralizing for you. I am also sick and tired of not getting any comments from you.

Before going any further, I wish to relate to you that yesterday I went to the oral surgeon and of course, prudently, I described my chest pains of earlier this summer. She refused to extract my tooth without a written medical clearance from my cardiologist, whom I have not informed about my pain or the reasons for it. I do not trust either the cardiologist or the oral surgeon to make the correct decisions regarding my life. I looked up the anesthetic that the dentist proposed using, and even though it is a local anesthetic, there is a chance of cardiac arrest and there was a recommendation IN ALL CAPITAL LETTERS that the dentist have at her disposal resuscitative equipment, oxygen, etc. Now, I did not see any such equipment at the dental office. Also the cardiologist seems rather cavalier about making available vital information about the condition of my heart, at least to me. Unknown to him, I was able to read the stress test report on me from March and he did not inform me of the majority of the problems I have, including an enlarged portion of my heart and a sclerosed mitral valve. I think it is eminently possible that he will either 1) not understand the need for caution with the anesthetic or 2) simply write the medical clearance as a way to avoid dealing properly with me or the issue. This seems to be a matter of legalities rather than my physical well-being. Knowing all this is depressing in the utmost, since even if I do not have my tooth treated now, it very well may abscess and/or become infected and then I will have no choice but extraction. So my own stupidity has led me to have to confront mortality once again. I prefer, as of now, to wait for my heart to become stronger over the next 3-6 months, at least before I have any procedure done, including a gastroscopy scheduled for next month.

Of course, given my cardiac condition, any procedure is more or less dangerous for me, so I'm living on the edge whether I want to or not. I feel like a much older person having fewer and fewer choices about needed life-saving treatments.

I won't know how serious this all is until I take another stress test or the cardiologist suggests some other tests. Until then I am mortified and petrified.

What I was going to write about was the building of walls of pain in order to deny to others the validity of their lives, which I think accounts for some of the psychology of Christian, especially fundamentalist, leaders and congregants. After all, wasn't Christ a God of Pain, worthy because he suffered?

I know that I have locked myself into a state of pain over the years, overtly to benefit others. After all, if I take on someone else's pain, am I not acting to benefit someone else, and therefore showing my self to be worthy(er)?

I think that spiritualities of self-denial and self-abnegation share these characteristics of shutting out the realities of other people's lives in order to save them and oneself. perhaps this is too obvious even to mention, but I needed to write it down myself. All I know is that I need an alternative way that does not involve self-destruction or a grotesque seense of superiority following from it. The trouble I am having is going within to find something to replace it. I know the Goddess is there, but she is so deeply buried beneath the4 damage I have caused myself that everyday I have to search for her before I can act/live. I am still clinging to a political take on myself that leaves little room for human frailty and love. I need to hope.

I feel like a big pussy, without even liking it. I give love. I will good times. I have to expand my awareness of myself and others to acknowledge the Goddess for herself: she's home, she's the teacher and the world. She's loving and always present; she's the change and the hope.

May you live for her.

A heifer that chooses life over fists.

Angles are:
Part, Julia, Bitch