Hey, everybody, what's up???!

As goes Maine, so goes the nation.

As some of the more enthusiastic readers of this blog may know, I have had in my imagination many images of glory and achievement concerning my life.

I am trying to change.

I am also reading a novel about Charles Darwin by Irwin Stone that my therapist gave me. There is a passage where he is in the beginning of his voyage on the Beagle and he suddenly realizes that he can follow in the foot steps of famous others who were making a revolution in the natural sciences of the day. He was 22 at the time. When I was that age I was in the midst of being a "Marxistentialist." I felt also that I could, if only I found the correct means of analysis and expression, make a contribution on the order of what I was reading in Marx, Sartre, etc. I was in the depths of confusion and denial about my femininity, and this affected what I was able to produce. My anality was extreme. Strangely enough, I found new grounds for messianism in the life I led in my later 20s and early 30s. I thought I would save the world, not through being an avatar of class struggle and individual self-expression but by being a world whore. The full account is not worth relating. I simply thought that being political could save others and myself. Now I know that I cannot save even myself from anything that I am. This means that no matter what efforts I make I will never be God, or the Goddess; I will never be my father or my mother; I will never make change feel like my home.

Before you stop reading, consider that unless there is feeling and passion and compassion/conscience in your goals that you will destroy what you are trying to bring about, leaving only whirling wastes in your wake. ( In my case, that's waste paper, thank you.) Within the house of cards, you will grasp at nothing but nothing.

So, where does my conscience lie? I seek to act. I seek to love. I seek to feel. I seek to hold sacred what there is that gives life sweetness and sustaining power. In other words, feel strength, because I do love home.

My test results will be in next week.

Brigid, Inanna, Astarte, Isis, hope is life.

Ask me why.

Many blessings,

"Julia"

narco-crap