Instead of reading first and influencing my thoughts with external ideas, I often practice simply writing something that is, as nearly as possible, from moi.
It turns out that a friend of mine is off her meds. She describes the feeling of that as having the lights go on. She is able to think and to make decisions. Now this merely confirms for me that so-called anti-psychotic drugs are not made for the health of the patient (subject) but for the benefit of the social order and the dominant social group it exists to protect.
I simply object to being controlled because I do not belong. Fuck you very much.
Please let me know, won't you, my dear and consistently responsive readers, what you think? Maybe (since some of you know me personally) are revolted by the thought of my thinking and acting on my own behalf. Certainly you have sometimes acted that way. After all I've been admitted to psychiatric facilities because of your say-so. But it's okay, since I realize you were only using compassionate reverse psychology to get me to fight back, not to submit to your convenience or your antipathy towards me. Now that that's said I'll move on. Oh yeah, I've been hospitalized 21 times. Is that a sign of my sickness, or is it an artifact of my passivity. Hmmm.....
But, you know...
I didn't like myself very much, or at least didn't feel that way, for a long time. I'm pretty sure that this is because of a particular external relationship going back to the early part of my life, and is not my fault, my doing, or in any way related to any choice I have made. So, I thought that people who acted according to their lights were crazy, and you all thought I was crazy. I didn't know how to relate. So, I can't blame anybody else for the troubles I had. I know the strenuous efforts some people made to get me to like myself (without of course knowing how to do so), and I'm grateful. But you are there and I am here; you have your lives and I have?
It's interesting that nothing changes even as vast tempests, whether of the cosmos or of the teacup, rage about us.
I will feel absolutely happy about what I do when I am able to define for myself and by myself what that needs to be. That is what I needed help with, not 21 hospitalizations and electroshock.
I hope psychiatrists and social workers have a special place being socialized in the hereafter, together. But I will not, as they would, condemn them forever, but only till they know the need for human freedom for each and every individual.
Of course, if psychiatrists were truly free and had to act according to their own abilities rather than what their diplomas proclaim them to be qualified for, their would be a large accession to the number of beggars in our parks. Perhaps they ought to rethink just how fragile their position needs to be -- for themselves.
Enjoy your day as much as I enjoy mine
Love, me
I really had to absorb this before commenting. So much of what you said is so entirely true. And yet, I find myself concerned in a strange way. Living medication free I fully understand the beauty of life in recovery, without chemical clouds. But I also understand how incredibly difficult it can be to find that stability without meds. Yes, it can be done. But it is a lot of soul searching, a lot of skill building, and a lot of therapy with the right kind of therapist. It took me several years to get here, truth be known.
ReplyDeleteThat is not to say I am trying to deter anyone from this idea. To the contrary, I believe everyone deserves to have their life back, deserves to live free of the mind altering, and deserves to be themselves, even if that is not what societies norms dictate. But, I do want anyone who contemplates this to understand that it is a lot of hard work and a lot of soul searching.
Those who know me know that I often refer to myself as a survivor. Yes, I am. A survivor of a mental illness. But also a survivor of pill pushing psychiatrists, brutal side effects, inpatient facilities that were little more than prison like detention centers, well meaning therapists that just didn't grasp my specific needs and tried to stuff me in an easy to read box, you name it.