Nasty Edges

I probably ought not deliberately attack people in this blog. I probably ought not to unreasonably provoke others, make others miserable or try to diminish the anger I feel by transferring it to someone else.

I however do have feelings, and some of them have to do with circumstances which are now, or have always been, beyond my control. I am unable to reach back into the past and change what has happened. I am unable to function as a human being by denying these things happened. I am stunted (and stung) in many ways by actions other people have taken, and I MUST be able to at least excavate some of the feelings and associated situations from within myself and expose them to my own awareness so that they no longer control me or my actions. Now, apparently most of you do not wish to witness or be a part of, or encourage these doings. That disappoints me. I can only say that I will not proceed with unjust anger that I fling in all directions merely to relieve momentarily discomfort. I will not (and I don't think I have, at least at this distance) impinge on your lives with my needs.

I really need somehow to communicate with people who wish to hear. I hope there are those among you who know what it is to not know what you are going to write when you begin, to know how writing can shape itself of its own accord in surprising but needed directions, especially when it comes to deep-seated emotional realities. These emotional realities not only are the bedrock of all good writing, they are also the necessary underpinnings of daily life. If I cannot refer to them in this blog, then I think I will simply turn to a) a diary that I share with only one or two people or b) bashing my head against the wall or c) both.

It's funny, but I remember when I first went to New York and was first involved in a particular gender organization, that one of the fights which first impressed me was that over free speech. I still support the side that espouses free speech. I hope my readers will, also. I don't think that rules ought to apply to me that don't to others. Having been exiled, I think that the rules I have broken to be so -- treating others differently for reasons of race, class, gender -- are rules that I can only practice by freely living according to my own conscience so I can know where that conscience is and what its blindspots are.

I heard from JKH for my birthday. She is still creative but not presently happy. I hope some of you will contact her. You know she is a fantastic person and deserves it.

Yours,