Lesson ten

God died because she thought men were martyrs.

I know that I cannot believe these words, because I am not a man.

Mommy, I am not kind.  I used to love myself for being happy.

Now I just want to make the world dense with blood clots.

However, you will not know anyone who will have any blood clots.

I don't understand my decision to continue smoking last spring when something told me my friends would beg me to stop.  I think I put cruelty ahead of my body.

This sucks.

Cash is not bones.  Laughter is not money.  I am not you.

Give me life or I will be another mess.

Tacky man is afraid of loss.

It's coming one way or another.

Route pain.

Secondly, I am going to have to wear a ton of makeup and possibly a wig if I want to get by as a woman.  I am thinking I want to continue using the women's bathroom, dressing room, etc.

These concerns show that I am freaking out.

I still want to get high once I'm off the Coumadin, if I'm alive.  Though from what has happened thus far, the karmic cost would be even higher than I've faced so far.

If this is about anger and cruelty and lack of acceptance, I see I will be embroiled in plenty of that.

You know it is difficult not to be sedated by estrogen.  I am becoming more unstable and angry.

Now I have to be happy because if I'm not, who will be?

These reflections show that there is a lot of tension in me.

I'm afraid of not being able to finish all my books or at least take some classes or work part time or do anything but put my "affairs" in order.

Luckily I do not have anybody as a partner or any pets or much property to dispose of.

Being distraught and in pain and losing life is not something to look forward to.

I have become maudlin, disbelieving and atrocious.

I have eaten like a pig today.  I cannot smoke or really drink.  I wish someone, e.g., my mother, would hug me, but I think my behavior is making her angry and uncomfortable. 

I have tried to understand why I am not able to properly enact feelings I know are there.  It makes me nervous to do so. 

Please just have peace.  And maybe I will find it too.

Give your loved ones love.

Even if there is no intellectual justification or rationalization supporting it, even if you cannot see the end of what you do.  Even though you will die yourself.

Do not be heavy in your thoughts or actions. 

"We are individuals!"  as they say in the Life of Brian.

Good thing there's sex.