Varieties of ignorance and stupidity

Sometimes there's a difference between "free writing" and writing freely.  In many cases, when I just let out whatever is there, what comes out is not very focused on subjects about which I have strong opinions or feelings and which I believe are important.  I suppose this indicates some sort of disjunction between my intellectual expectations of myself and the mediocrity that is actually there.

I say mediocrity because I don't wish anyone to attack me for presuming otherwise.  The worse problem in my case appears to be the stark negativity with which I view myself and others.  So, stupidity:  Why is it that when it hurts to be nice to people (because I am letting myself feel, and be, myself, and that is apparently inherently a presentation of something that deserves attack by most others), that I don't care about when or whether there is peace?  I suppose it is the response of anger that leads to abandoning this need for peace.  I believe that peace is the dream of home, of how (if you are lucky, and I believe I was) it felt to be in a gently cared-for environment as a child.  So, when you're stupid, and you don't understand -- and this often leads to destruction -- that there is no guarantee of love from particular persons -- though love is everywhere -- usually no one thinks there is a need to remediate this elementary misconception.  Everyone has a life that they may be struggling with in their own way.

This kind of lack of understanding, or density to reality, in my case, seems to have proceeded from fear and from cruelty that was originally my way of trying to imitate the people who were so intent upon cruelty in that they preferred to like anger (from me) than to be strong enough to give hope.  But how can a child give another child of the same age hope?

I am trying to understand what it is that makes others think that if I am poor that they can act like they are people of hope, grace, gifts, and that I am not.  I suppose this is turnabout is fair play.

As I have become aware no one is cruel without being made to be aware that justice makes a lot of pain.  Painmaking justice to me is not what human beings can or ought live with.

I know I love Susan and that somehow she will understand that I can be safe because I am home.

Now I wish to teach what is hopeful.  This is done by elucidating for people the necessity of life for good.  Good comes from life, not the other way around.  I hope someone will understand that no one is afraid of themselves because of happiness.  Rather, it is because of  making things such as anger and failure the measure of peace.

Be well,

Yours,

Julia